I am aware this is not remotely cool and very elder millennial of me, but hey it seemed a fun way to wrap up the year.
Work
Jobs lost: One
Sadly, for now, the Bishopsgate teaching job is on pause due to funding issues. But if you’re in London support this lovely place in other ways. I really miss that job as it was my chance to keep my hand in teaching Queer topics and generally nerding out.
Jobs Kept: One.
This feels more impressive than it should, but for a neurospicy millennial having a job for more than one year feels like an achievement. Yes, it ends in April, yes we’re freaking out but hey we did a full year.
Talks given: 5
I was really thrilled to up the more ‘corporate’ invites this year and got to give five talks on Queer history and neurodiversity to various companies/organisations. I got invited back to all of them also which is a real tick for me in terms of doing it right.
Workshops taught: 45
I think? Despite losing one teaching job I do continue to teach theatre-related things with London Playwrights, and I believe that added up to 45 this year all told. Which is both not a lot and a lot. Given this is not my ‘job’ but a ‘side hustle’ and given we don’t run across the summer as a rule that’s averaging at least two a week which is…yeah a fair few. They continue to be an utter joy to connect with writers and hopefully share some useful advice.
Writing
Books Published
Two? Maybe? Three sorta? It’s very unclear.
So yes, my Russell T Davies one is definitely out. Firm check there.
The second book on Rent did come out in North America (after much confusion over dates) but not Europe. However, my author copies appear to be held hostage somewhere. So currently, Schrodingers Book.
Third unexpected plot twist on 28th December; My Schitt’s Creek book, out next year appeared at my door. So sorta-kinda-three out but definitely, technically, two?
Anyway, the RTD book came out I know that much. I saw them, bothered them in bookshops and signed a whole bunch (If you can find an unsigned one it’s worth a fortune…)
Book events: Twelve
Related to the above, I spent September and October doing an array of book events. We didn’t do badly that only one got cancelled (you would not think getting a queer book event in Brighton would be so hard…). And at all of them, someone turned up, which was of course, my greatest fear that nobody would.
This was a great antidote to losing my teaching job- getting to talk about nerdy things, queer TV and more at least made me feel like I was still in that game a bit. And was of course, joyous.
Subjects of the book hugged: One
Yes, I did get to meet the man the myth the legend Russell T Davies and the man gives a good hug.
Books edited: Three. At once.
11/10 do not recommend.
Originally it was going to be 2 slightly overlapping. But due to a delay with one, I spent much of April-July playing book ‘whack-a-mole’ every time one edit got off my desk another one would arrive. Or every time I resolved something with one there would be something with another. This was a fluke of overlapping publication dates and delays that will never happen again thankfully. And as much as all this makes it look like I have incredible output it’s also at a cost of being utterly exhausted- doing this on top of a ‘day job’ and teaching work was frankly ridiculous. I didn’t choose it and wouldn’t recommend doing your best work but hey, long story short I survived.
Non-fiction Books drafted: One.
Yes, after playing book whack-a-mole for three months, I then spent August and early September frantically drafting the NEXT book, knowing that I wouldn’t get a chance once the RTD book was out. Actually do recommend this for some books, the quiet summer period teaching and life wise meant I could spend all my free time not in my day job bashing this next one out.
Fiction books drafted: Two.
Oh, and for the lols, I was also redrafting two novels I’ve been working on for fun for a few years. These are my current most joyous things. I love the characters and the world I get to live in with these- currently spanning several books (some written some not). And as much as I really hope they get to see the light of day so others can read them, writing these stories truly kept me sane in a year that was a roller coaster for other reasons. What do you think, does the world want some stories about some sad messy asexual queers, and grief?
Plays written zero
I have consistently matched 2021 and 2022 and not written a play nor a single word of one. Do I still feel sad about that? Sometimes. Will I maybe go back to it next year? Time will tell…
Book proposals written: three (and a half)
On top of the editing, writing and promoting books I also managed to write three full book proposals and a half-finished one that I will be going back to. One is out on submission and the other two will be in the new year (ahem when I finish them…same for the rouge half one). Thankful to my agent who when I say ‘Hey I’ve got a ridiculous idea’ says’ ‘ok let me hear it’
Agents got: One
This was one of my top achievements this year. Finding an agent who ‘gets’ what I do, but also obviously wants to help me grow it. And let me tell you I had to kiss a lot of toads before I found my Frog (that’s the name of my agency).
Rejections: 40ish
My record-keeping wasn’t great this year. I think it’s about 40, a mish mash of theatre schemes (somewhat half-heartedly applied for) novel submissions, other writing schemes and a handful of other random stuff. I got some lovely play feedback as part of a rejection that made me think hey maybe I should keep going. And actually no rejections that were truly crushing. So we move.
Plays worked on as dramaturg: 11
Ahhhh, this brings me the most joy. Is it hard work? Again on top of everything else, yes. Is it probably my favourite job I do? Yes. I cannot express what joy it is to see a writer’s work grow draft on draft. Or see something click when you talk them through something, or see them get excited about a project again. I love this so much. And a moment of pride that someone whose play I dramaturge for a year got selected by the RSC for their 37 plays scheme. All the pride.
Blogs written 25 (plus 13 theatre reviews)
Not bad. I know blogging is terribly uncool but I’ve done it for over a decade and this is both a great space to get thoughts out there on things people might resonate with- asexuality, neurodiversity etc. or to write about pop culture moments that resonate or even become the start of a book. I don’t ‘review’ in the traditional sense as much any more, and it’s hard in some ways to let go of something that was a big part of my life…but also that feels ok to let take a back seat.
Articles written: 5
This is a ‘could do better’ one…in that I feel this was a great year to pitch more, write more but I just didn’t have the time or brain space to do it. And while I’m thrilled I got to write for The Scotsman and The Big Issue, I also feel frustrated at myself that I didn’t get to do more of that. One for next year maybe.
Personal
New diagnosis: One
Just the one this year, just the Autism diagnosis. This time last year, I was anxiously awaiting my assessment which was in early January, having had my ADHD diagnosis the month before. And it’s a weird thing of did it change my life yes and no. It’s not like (despite what the Daily Mail thinks) you wake up one day and decide to be Autistic. It’s a process just getting to asking for an assessment, never mind going through all of it. So has my life changed since realising I’m Autistic? Yes, did having it confirmed validate that and help me further along that process? Also yes. It’s also been a difficult year because with that process and the punctuation of formal diagnosis comes figuring out how you accommodate yourself, unmask more and generally figure out how to exist with this new knowledge to better your life. And I’ll admit I’m not there yet. Sometimes unmasking feels like failing. Sometimes realising my own limits feels like failing when I’m used to pushing past them. But we are getting there.
Ice skating levels completed: Two
I wanted to get to level 7 this year and I did. Level 6 was a hot mess let’s face it, but I did it. Now I will continue to be a hot mess on level 7. I also started to have some private lessons, and it continues to be a revelation to work with coaches that meet you where you are and understand doing a sport just for fun. And while I might be sometimes useless my coach also finds work arounds….for an autistic uncoordinated person who always thought they couldn’t do sports because of coaches making fun of them as a kid or PE teachers pointing out they were fat…this has been huge.
Hockey Games attended: around 30
Roughly at least. After waiting for off-season to end like a feral racoon I then had to miss a bunch of games due to book commitments. However we are back now and have an array of 2024 hockey awaiting. I do still intend to write about it in more detail, but hockey has given me so much that I didn’t know I was missing in my life. A passion that’s unconnected to ‘work’ or ‘career’ as theatre always was, a space that’s just ‘for me’ and a place where also I can be fully myself. It’s a space I’m ‘unmasked’ largely, and actually the lack of pressure to ‘beahve’ a certain way is a really freeing one. It’s also been freeing, just like with skating to meet a whole array of new people who don’t have any assumptions or expectations of who I am- whether that’s the ‘theatre girl’ or the ‘academic girl’ or the masked version of my neurospicy self…I’ve actually been able to meet new people, as just me…and being able to make new friends through hockey and skating has been huge for proving I am someone that people perhaps might like to be friends with.
NHL Games attended: 2
Go Leafs Go!
I regret to inform us all that Mother Garside may have turned me into a Leafs fan. Shameful I know. Also, I relalise how lucky (and/or financially irresponsible) it was to be able to attend two NHL games this year.
Theatre attended: 25
Not bad, not bad. I still feel a real guilt about being less ‘theatre-y’ than I used to be. I have less drive to see it all. And to be honest I just don’t care that much…I’ll see what I wanna see (yes -00s musical theatre reference there) and that’s enough. I’m lucky to get invited to review shows, and I’m also continuing to have quite firm boundaries that this is a side-side hustle. I only wrote around 10 reviews this year, and that’s fine. Maybe next year will be more maybe less. Maybe I’ll finally stop. Who knows. But getting to see theatre with friends who appreciate it, and spend time with them, over trying to desperately see everything is going to continue to be the way I approach theatre from now on.
Concerts attended: 5
Big news, huge for me. Five whole concerts and remembering that actually yes I enjoy this. Harry Styles was my first ever stadium gig- seeing Daddy before Mother next year in the same space. And was so wholesome and delightful. Seeing Noah Reid (twice) was healing and beautiful. Seeing my Sad Dads The National was actually an almost spiritual experience.
Concerts replacing theatre maybe? At least a little. And next year is the Year of Taylor Swift and I will not apologise for who I will become in June.
Holidays taken: 1
That’s not bad. And I’m here to remind you that whatever social media says, one holiday a year is a perfectly normal number of holidays. I got to go to Toronto, spend time with my mum and hockey and generally enjoy myself.
Round Up.
2023 was an extraordinary year. In terms of writing, output and opportunities, I cannot deny how good a year it was. But a caveat is that despite the stats here, it’s part of a long game. Six years ago I signed my first book contract and that was ‘late’ in post-PhD terms. For all the success this year, there was a lot of rejection in my past (and likely in my future).
I’d also like to add that none of this comes with much financial reward- I am lucky to get paid for some of the books I write and a decent royalty/advance at that in relative terms. But we’re talking about ‘pays for some concert tickets, maybe a holiday’ totals, not ‘can buy a BMW’ totals. And again really lucky to have that. BUT the flipside is I still work hard at a day job, and one that frankly does not really pay well- I work in the charity sector and we are drowning below the rate of inflation and a true ‘living salary’. I have what, three? Four? Side jobs to get by and to keep my hand in the game of my ‘real work.’ And while this is all a life I ‘chose’ to some degree, I’m throwing this out there as a caveat to what seems like a hugely successful year.
And it’s not without hard work. I do not apologise for saying this all comes from bloody hard work. Of years of hustling- of doing unpaid theatre reviews and articles….teaching for next to nothing, hustling for opportunities. For countless rejections and getting it wrong before I got it right. It also comes from literally just putting the hours in. It’s not a revelation that books take a lot of time to write. I have spent hours, days, weeks, and months writing working away at these books that look so shiny and successful. Yes, there’s been tears and doubt and ‘what the fuck am I doing’ but also just hours and hours of…work. It doesn’t come quick, it doesn’t come easy, it’s just…work. I love it, and I feel lucky I get to do what I love. And that this year I get to see the fruits of that pay off somewhat. But how am I going to respond to that? By working harder to build on that.
And to say that I don’t often really feel like I am doing all that well. We’re all guilty of it, but it’s easy to compare to everyone else. Particularly I find with being an ‘ex/failed academic’ but obviously still having friends in that world- when they reach various ‘milestones’ in that be it publishing in ‘proper’ journals rather than my theatre reviews. Or they have a ‘proper’ academic book or go to ‘proper conferences’ to speak I feel like what I do isn’t good enough. Or while other friends climb career ladders, I end up feeling ‘stuck’. It’s easy, too, in the thick of it, to feel like you could always do more, do better. And sometimes that’s true, sometimes however it’s just a case of sticking to your own path as hard as it is sometimes, and at times it’s been really hard this year.
I think despite all the good, the longer I am post-PhD feeling like career wise I’m not getting anywhere. Or yes, the older I get and I worry I’ve got it all wrong. Also in just going through my Autism and ADHD assessment and realising how much I could have done, or how much less I could have struggled if I’d known this sooner, makes me sad, frustrated and angry at how hard it all is sometimes. All this too comes at a cost of burnout- I know I’ve pushed myself beyond my own reasonable limits but it’s hard not to when it’s expected of you. I know too it’ll be harder still to try and slow down because the expectation is you keep going at ‘neurotypical’ levels but also beyond that because your neurodiverse standards often exceed normal ones until they don’t. Does that make sense? maybe not, short version I’m aware I’m burnt out by this year, but also aware I can’t stop.
But as the kids say, we move, we keep going, we see what’s next.
So what next for 2024?
More writing, more drafting, more proposals. I have one contract in hand for a book out in 2025, and of course, I’m already looking to the ‘what next’ after that…and I have a few ideas in progress. My biggest wish though would be to get my fiction projects out there, really if I could get to share those stories, I’d feel like I’d really achieved so much.
And as for life? Well, a change of jobs is on the cards and I am honestly terrified at what that future looks like right now. I really hope I get to continue teaching, to build on all that, and do the thing I love some more.
That’s a lot! Thanks for the round up.
Also chuckling at the Leafs fan twist. I am descended from a long line of Leafs fans.
Lots to admire and enjoy. Am frustrated I ended up missing seeing The National, but my tickets meant a friend got introduced to them and realise their brilliance.
And big joy for me that we got to meet!!! 🥰