December was when I first came out as Asexual, and it’s been a tradition, much like glitter and turkey, to talk about Ace-ness in a December blog. It's now been three years since I came out. I did so after telling my mum in passing as I went out the door, by referencing a book we’d both read (Upside Down by NR Walker, do read it) by then writing a blog. I’d obviously done a lot of thinking and research and sat with it for a long time. I don’t flatter myself that anyone is particularly invested in this and what it means years on other than me, however, I do know that talking about Asexuality is important. Because actually, in three years of doing it I still get fellow Aces or folks who are just happy to learn, saying it helps them understand themselves or others. So here we go again…
This year is also the first year I’m also sitting with Aceness alongside Autism, and it feels now like there is the complication that Aceness and Autism will be forever conflated by many. And actually, I now worry that my Asexual identity will be dismissed as ‘oh you’re just Autistic’ or deemed inevitable because I’m autistic. Or told that I simply don’t understand human emotion because I’m Autistic, am not capable of relationships because I’m autistic…the list goes on. And while that upsets me anyway (because obviously many Autistic people both understand human emotion and have relationships thank you). But also because it feels like invalidating a really important part of my identity in my asexuality.
I don’t know that a heterosexual Autistic person (especially one perceived as ‘high functioning’ or more accurately ‘low support needs’ like me) would ever have their heterosexuality dismissed because they were Autistic and therefore couldn’t possibly understand being straight (obviously some bigoted people might but on the whole). But because asexuality is associated with an absence of emotion (incorrectly) or an inability to do something (also incorrectly) it feels like it will now be dismissed as ‘well you’re just Autistic’.
And while being Autistic is an important part of my identity, so is being Asexual and they are separate parts of my identity. Not totally unrelated, but not ones that should be erased for the other. And yes, many Autistic people are Ace, and yes there may be cause and correlation but if like being like more broadly ‘queer’ I say being Asexual is an important element of my identity, it shouldn’t be erased by another part.
That’s also the double-edged sword of labels and diagnosis; knowledge is power, but knowledge is also a weapon to other people. Before I was just the weird girl, the one who was single because she was odd, now, I often feel like it’s a reason for others to write me off, declare I don’t deserve, or simply cannot have love and relationships like anyone else.
In all honesty, it’s the first time in a long long time I’ve thought about relationships of any kind this year. The last time was in fact December 2019, when I had my final straw moment with my ‘left my scarf at your sister’s house’ person (IYKYK). Then, a whole pandemic happened, and I came out the other side with a new label for who I’d been all along. (Mr. Watch the front door waiting for you to come was however still entirely to blame in that situation). At first, it was an explanation for reaching 37 and a bit without significant relationships or a need to date. But what I also see understanding my Aceness as is finally permission to have those things on my own terms.
I also am forever advocating for you don’t need a relationship to be fulfilled. Ace or not I really want to dismantle the idea that romantic and sexual relationships are the only key to happiness. I’ve told many tales of my crappy therapist that I saw this year (I can give you their number so you know who not to call if you like) and their comment that ‘well it sounds to me like not having a partner is the issue’. No Sandra (not their real name, but it sounds like a Sandra thing to say). I was lamenting the fact that society is set up for couples and the frustration at being an outlier to that, not expressing that my problems would be solved by a man on a white horse. That said not needing isn’t the same as not wanting, or not being open to…something. And I think I find myself, three years into finally knowing who I am, with yes a whole host of other diagnosis (ADHD and Autism we’re collecting the As) I finally at almost 40 find myself knowing who I am at last. And with finally feeling comfortable, almost confident in who I am I realise I am both capable of having and wanting dating, relationships and all that comes with it again.
And I want to stress there’s a difference between feeling like that’s something that might be nice to have versus it being a life essential. I still remain wholly against the princple of needing to have or be seen to try having relationships as a must do in life. I reject wholly that we are somehow incomplete without. I still see relationships (and sex) as an add-on to life, I understand that isn’t the case for everyone-for some they are a must-have and a thing to be constantly striven towards in their absence. But it is possible to not need something but also occasioanlly want something. To keep in the festive theme, I don’t need mince pies, I don’t actually like a lot of mince pies but with the time and place being right I will enjoy one.
What I want is the option have mince pies again should I want one I guess. To have love, romance yes, even sex (shocker for Ace folks, we’ll get back to that) but on terms that align with me, my values and what I need. Even writing that, I feel selfish and unreasonable, like I shouldn’t be allowed to have relationships or even dates based on what I want…and that is exactly the issue up until I knew I was Ace that’s exactly what I was doing. A few fuckboys aside who would have behaved that way anyway, I was making myself fit what I thought relationships and dating should be, and when I wasn’t comfortable or couldn’t conform to that, I felt like I failed. Learning about my Aceness made me see it wasn’t a failure on my part or a broken part of me, but an expectation of society that I just couldn’t meet. But then, where does it leave me in all that?
In all honesty, struggling in what’s lets face it, an already meagre dating pool. I hear tales from friends (ok the internet) that online dating is, even more, a wasteland of weirdos (not the good kind) and, yes fuck boys (not the good kind) these days. Add being a pan-romantic Ace-spec person into the mix and it’s looking grim. Add into the mix the social circles of queer spaces skew young and the thought of ‘where now’ for an almost forty-year-old thinking ‘maybe I’ll try that dating and relationship stuff again’ nonsense is a pretty scary but also quite the wasteland. But also how do you navigate that? As an almost 40-year-old who mostly skipped that part of life in the time you’re supposed to learn all that?
But the positives of all this are; I’m almost 40 and armed with at last, the knowledge of who I am, what I need and am fairly unapologetic about it (fairly, I’m getting there). Again I feel demanding saying that, but its not really about being demanding. It’s about knowing what you need so you don’t waste your time or anyone else’s. It’s about knowing who you are and not being apologetic about it.
It’s funny too that we think about Aceness as being something to apologise for, to accommodate. We wouldn’t think a gay man saying ‘no thank you I’m attracted to men.’ to a woman who expressed interest as demanding, simply stating a fact and their sexual preferences. Similarly, even when we boil down to dating preferences for physical or personality type; if someone prefers a big muscle man, it’s socially acceptable to say that. But if in the nuances of dating, we express our asexuality, it’s somehow a red flag or something to apologise for. Delve deeper, and in the gay dating scene particularly, it’s more common to discuss sexual preferences with partners or potential partners (quite right too, straights, you could also learn from that openness). However, again, still, Aceness is a red flag before we even get into the nuances of it, something to apologise for, something to date us in spite of.
But that too is the wider issue for asexual folks; the lack of recognition and understanding, sometimes outright bullying we get for it. As much as claiming my identity has been positive personally I’m aware that every time I talk about it whether like this or with people I’m opening up to criticism, mockery and worse. But that’s why, from my place of relative privilege and a fairly thick skin, I think it’s important to write blogs like this, to continue to speak about my experiences of navigating the world as an asexual person.
But also there are many positives to navigating the world with this new knowledge for three years now. Firstly, just the peace that comes with knowing yourself. To borrow from one of my favourite TV characters and the one who helped me discover my Aceness- Patrick Brewer, just knowing this makes me feel ‘right’. Until I knew this about myself, I spent my life trying to fit into a bunch of labels- bi, pan, lesbain, straight even which never fit no matter how hard I tried. My Aceness gives me a place where I fit. It gives me an understanding of who I am and a way to navigate the world with that knowledge.
I also find joy in the ongoing learning about it. This wouldn’t be something everyone wants or needs in understanding their sexuality, but for me, there is real joy in being able to unravel the meaning behind identity, sexuality and more (ok yes in another life this might be another career path). But also in understanding Aceness I understand more and more about relationship dynamics, attraction, sexuality and more in not only me but the world at large and that unlocking learning in something that was previously a mystery is a joy to this nerd.
It also finally has led me down additional paths around gender identity and relationship wants and needs. Similar to simply being fascinated by how the world and people work, being fascinated by relationships and how they function is a pleasing side-effect of finding my own identity. For me Acenes also gave me permission to acknowledge a part of me I had always known was there but didn’t feel in heteronormative patriarchal bullshit was allowed: that I don’t seek traditional relationships. My Aceness feels freeing in that way too; if I’m not a palatable option to many (not all) who want traditional heterosexual monogamous relationships…well great actually because I don’t want that either. There’s something about realising you’ll never be in sync with what you’re ‘supposed’ to be any way that frees you up to see you don’t actually have to conform to any of it if it doesn’t serve you. It seems counterintuitive to many that Ace folks are actually more inclined to polyamory/non-monogamy, but actually, it makes so much sense; if your relationships won’t ‘conform’ to one social norm, then why restrict them on another? Equally, as Ace folks are often looking for different things in relationships in their priority hierarchies, actually they can be far better served being part of non-monogamous relationships where different connections fulfil different elements for all involved. Others, including of course Ace Dad Advice speak better on this and from more personal experience. Still, I think if I’m putting myself as a person who also speaks on Ace experience it’s important and valid to explore all of that.
One final and also fairly common element for Ace folks (again not all Ace folks) is an exploration or a recalibrating of gender that comes with that awareness. For me, I really just boiled down to a fairly simple ‘gender? I don’t know her.’ In more complicated reasoning, in interrogating the way for me sexual attraction works, I realised my gender also doesn’t align with ‘typical’ expectations. Agender is where I’ve landed on that (just a real big fan of labels with an ‘A’ clearly). And it’s a tricky feeling because while there’s much to read on aligning with different genders much like aligning with a lack of sexual attraction, there’s little on aligning with no gender. And it’s so hard to explain an absence, but it is very much that. Far stronger than asexuality for me, actually (again, it’s a spectrum) I realised how strongly I feel no alignment to any gender. And actually staring into that nothingness is still scarier than asexuality to me. Asexuality is an explanation, something to reason with, align with and work with. Agender is a revelation but also a drop off a cliff…how you reconcile nothing is a tricky thing. It’s a lot of undoing what I thought I knew and in all honesty that’s a work in progress.
So three years of Ace-ness leads to…more questions, more worries in some ways, and a lot of peace and understanding. My identity might have caused some problems, it might have led to more questions, but it also provided answers. It provided a sense of self that was never there before. I can’t imagine myself without my Ace-ness now, without knowing that was part of me, and that in itself is such a huge shift- feeling I know who I am.
What now? Well at first just more learning about Asexuality and all those nerdy things. More learning about gender and how I fit that (or don’t…and I have more to say on that). More writing on all this too, because that feels like a way I can contribute to this community. And I guess saying, hey maybe I’ll finally date someone…does anyone know anyone?
Other Ace Blogs by me:
Finding a way to tell my Ace stories
Reading Schitt’s Creek’s Patrick Brewer as demisexual — and why it matters.
I read this when you first put the piece out when I got it very email. But I'm coming here to say that, as ever, I love your writing. So THANK YOU for being you, learning about yourself for YOU, because all the labels out there are only ever useful as they enable self-understanding (and raising a rough flag for connection).
Love that journey for YOU ❤️