Oh, hi it’s been a minute. (hi it’s me I’m the problem its me)
When I say I’ve had a long-ish list of blog posts I’ve wanted to write for several months ranging from book reviews to Taylor Swift to thoughts on Pride (ok, we need to admit we’ve missed the boat there) to ice skating and hockey (it’ll be hockey season again before we get there at this rate…) all of which gives an indication of how life has been.
But before we jump into that, how about an ‘upcoming book stuff round up’ I hear nobody cry…well, here goes.
‘Gay Aliens and Queer Folks How Russell T Davies Changed TV’ is out on September 21st.
You can pre-order it from the publisher here or Waterstones here. Or your local indie bookseller. (It’s also going to be available internationally, Barnes and Noble has it here as and while Indigo don't have it yet Canadian friends, my author page is here)
In writing that I did have a ‘fuck me I have a page on Indigo books’ which is a ‘pinch me’ writer moment.
BUT we’ll get back to author introspection. We’re doing business first.
I’ve got a whole host of gay aliens (or Gayliens) events coming up in September. I’m anxious/exhausted thinking about it, but let’s embrace it, yes? So far, these are…
21 September Small City books, Bristol (tickets here)
25th September- (Online) Lighthouse books (tickets here)
26th September Dalston Superstore @ Karaoke Hole, London
4th October, The Queery, Brighton (website)
5th October, Waterstones, Cardiff (details here)
13th October, Waterstones, Birmingham
15th October, Storyville Books, Pontypridd (tickets here)
21st October Aberaeron Literary Festival
21st October, Cover to Cover Mumbles, Swansea (website)
Hopefully, more to come, and if you know somewhere that would like an in-person or virtual Gayliens talks do get in touch!
Meanwhile, we had the exciting cover reveal for another book- my longer deep dive into Schitt’s Creek. And isn’t she something? (thrilled to have the wonderful Hayley from Apple Blossom Arts Co designs do the cover)
I’m really excited to feel like this one is finally ‘real’ (because a cover does that right?) it’s out early next year so more on that later…
Meanwhile, I also can’t forget the second half of my Ph.D. book child, my book on Rent…it’s been a long time coming (longer than Taylor Swift’s international dates…), and I’ve cried more tears over this one than any other, so please, if 90s queer musicals are your jam please consider buying it in November… (pre-order here or wherever you get your books)
This cover, by the way, is by Prints by Simon
Oh, and in the mix of all that ‘in progress’ work a couple of other important things…firstly I signed with an agent! The brilliant Frog Literary (ribbit), which is a fantastic queer-run-queer-centred agency. I’m really excited to have additional support for my writing and work with the brilliant Andrew on my next projects. (In related blog news, my agent ‘journey’ is one I’m keen to write about soon because I have stories and THOUGHTS).
Talking of new projects (I swear I’m almost done) I also have an exciting new project with Calon, publisher of my Gayliens book (sorry Rusty, it’s being called that now…) I’m currently writing another book for them on Queer Welsh Icons…a journey through some of the iconic queer folks to come out of Wales over the years. It’s a lovely, dare I say it, fun project quite different from my other works, and I can’t wait to share it down the road (due 2025).
Phew, that’s a news roundup (I’ve only been gone a month what is going on?).
What else have I been working on? Well, I’ve been also plodding on with a novel project, working on book two of a series, and finally, after many months wrestling with that, have cracked the code somewhat…while also planning out books 3 and 4 in that universe. And (says it in a soft launch kinda way) plotting a way into self-publishing those stories.
What else? Oh yes, working for a living, doing a job. Which has this month involved getting heckled by senior academics and encountering some ableism at a learning disability conference (there’s probably a blog in that too, right). My ‘day job’ is also gearing up towards the end goals of the project I’m on with some exciting exhibitions and work to share, which means for once, I might actually be talking about it more (I keep it semi-secret for the sake of my sanity but also for the sake of not crossing the streams, but I am proud of what we’re doing). And of course, with the end of that project in sight comes the ever-present fixed-term-contract fear of ‘what next’. I have been working (yes in actual secret for now) on what’s next but that’ll have to wait…
Meanwhile, what else…oh yes, lost my favourite freelancing teaching job due to the state of this Tory-Land we live in, and I’m a bit heartbroken still. I also did a series of Pride event corporate gigs and also braved teaching some 14-year-olds for Pride. Oh, and did two conferences in a month. My first academic conference since 2017, I believe.
Oh and I’m currently stuck on level six of skating, much to the occasional amusement of my coach and my inability to know which leg to move when…
I mean I know it’s been a month but that’s a lot, right? And in a classic neurospicy way, I still feel like it’s not ‘enough’.
But the truth too is I’m really burnt out. Not actually as much as I was but also more than I was. Let me translate. Earlier this year I realised as happens to a lot of people post-diagnosis, that I was in pretty severe autistic burnout. That (sorry) is probably another post, but I was really struggling through much of the start of this year through to the spring. From the outside, probably nobody noticed as I just…carried on. I mean there's not really much choice without dropping out of work/life, which wasn’t an option. Luckily my day job is not that fast-paced (as in nobody is looking over my shoulder as long as shit gets done) so I could adjust my work so I could cope, and rest a bit. I also pared back on everything social I could that didn’t work to ‘restore’ me a bit (hockey stayed cos hockey…as did skating and the gym, but aside from that, I said no to a lot of things in that time). Slowly I’ve pulled myself back from that…I’m not fixed, and I’m grateful once again I currently have a secure job in which I can kinda fix myself a bit before facing whatever is next. It’s hard for someone who constantly feels not enough to try and stop and say no but I’m slowly getting there and figuring out how to maintain things.
But off the back of that, I got hit with what I can only describe as ‘regular burnout,’ the kind that is just ‘fuck me sideways I’ve been doing a lot and I’m really fucking tired’. The full force of that hit at the end of May and continued through June…which, as the above indicates, has not been a slow down kinda month, so here we are…on the other side, finally slowing but not quite, and trying to fix the layer of ‘garden variety burnout’ on top of the autistic burnout. And you know we’re getting there…I said no to a few things or rescheduled when I could. I dropped out of a playwriting course because I knew I needed to rest…we’ll get there.
Why am I telling the internet all of this?
Firstly to demystify and destigmatise. Neurospicy folks get burned out. Autistic burnout is real but so is life burnout. And yes it looks like I’ve done a load of cool stuff, and I have, but…that doesn’t mean it’s easy.
The last stages of the Rusty T book hit me hard. It was in fact a case of it all going too well and a few disasters hit right at the crunch and that’s never easy. And exhausted as I am, I found that difficult to cope with. I’m aware too the publicity for that is going to take a toll, and I need to ready myself for that- and it’s the push pull and love-hate of it all. Loving doing it but it’s work. Added in, I had such faith in how good the work was, and as ever it only takes two people to say something isn’t that good and you lose all faith (well some of us do…)
Thinking too about the other end…I’m back from months of editing and final stage projects to starting from zero on another and that’s hard. The whole mountain is ahead of me again and I’m questioning everything.
And talking of questioning everything, I find myself once again at the existential crisis that rears its head every few months of…what am I doing? No really what am I doing? And with it ‘am I doing enough’
And mostly I don’t feel like I am…I feel like people think my job isn’t fancy so it must be easy, or I’m not busy. Or that I clearly don’t have to work that hard if I produce that many books. Or oh she’s single so she doesn’t have to deal with kids or a partner so it’s easy (oh, heck there’s a blog in that too). Or. Or. Or. I just assume nobody thinks I’m working hard enough, because even when at and beyond my capacity, I’m convinced it’s not enough. Even working every weekend and evening I feel like everyone is saying ‘yes but…’ and I should work harder. Because surely with all that work you should be doing better too right? And so the cycle begins again.
There’s so much I feel I should be better at- where I am job-wise, where I am teaching wise, where I am book-wise, where my creative work is, that I’ve all but stopped theatre work…that I’ve let reviewing and articles slide…so much more.
I mentioned above stepping down from a playwriting course…and I ask myself, was that a mistake? Is this another indication I don’t want it enough…whatever ‘it’ is? But similarly, the further I get from theatre things the more I feel something akin to relief. (again that’s a separate blog). But I’m not quite separate from it yet…not quite in it. On the flip side, blogs along with other articles have slipped through lack of time and I’m determined to get those back up and running. Similarly teaching has taken a backseat and I can’t bear for that to be the case either but I’ve also lost some key bits of it…so what next…but also how to do it all? And do it well enough…and wonder too am I putting energy into the right things…the answer of course is nobody can know and anyone who tells you they do is probably lying…or a Tory.
But… I look at the book writing and think, ‘it’s going well but is it right?’ and I look at my wildy optimistic and wildly ambitious fiction publishing plans and think, ‘What are you doing?’
But in all that I keep coming back currently to two Taylor Swift lyrics (of course).
For the ‘what am I doing now?’ I keep hearing ‘Electric Touch’ one of the new Vault tracks from Speak Now (featuring Fall Out Boy and, frankly an utter bop). The one that sticks in my mind is this;
‘This will either break my heart of bring it back to life’
And yes, I know the latter is about love (or probably sex, let’s face it), but the other lyrics
I've got my money on things goin' badly
Got a history of stories ending sadly
Still hoping that the fire won't burn me
Just one time, just one time
Feel too like a metaphor for creative and career stuff. The idea that yes it keeps going badly but this time, this thing, this might just be the thing. I feel a lot of that currently, this venture, this committing myself to the kind of work I’ve been doing instead of what maybe I’ve tried, had my heart broken over…maybe that’s going to be the thing to bring me back to life ‘bring this ghost town to life’
And too maybe it’s
‘Still, I know is all it takes is to get it right just one time’
It feels like taking that leap, it might just be the thing (or yes will break my heart but we’re going optimistic here).
The flip side of that is I keep thinking back to a year ago give or take (really May was the low point that year but go with it). And I keep thinking then of ‘long story short’ which in short;
‘Long story short, I survived.’
That point was a really low one…everything had fallen apart it felt like, but here we are a year on, and while it’s not without struggles, as Ms Swift said…
And I fell from the pedestal
Right down the rabbit hole
Long story short, it was a bad time
Pushed from the precipice
Climbed right back up the cliff
Long story short, I survived
And maybe, too, that’s all we’ve got sometimes, clawing our way back up that cliff. And long story short, I did survive.
And I’ll keep on keeping on. Book things are just around the corner and who knows what else that brings with it.
And I’m back here now (for real) and as I’ve hinted at a number of them here’s some blogs I have planned (saying out loud for accountability)
Taylor Swift and what blondie means to us (why yes I got Eras tickets thanks for asking)
Chloe Liese’s books and why I love them
Reading update, and making reading a priority in 2023.
How I fell in love with Hockey (and you should too)
How ice skating gave me a hobby and much more.
I also want to get back to talking more about asexual experiences again as well as updates on being late-diagnosed autistic. And whatever other queer nonsense crosses my path too…