I’ve written two blogs about loss of someone you don’t know today. One for someone who was in my life for half of my life (the wonderful Matthew Perry), and this one for someone I never met, and didn’t even know of if I’m honest, until he tragically died.
Adam Johnson was a new player for the Nottingham Panthers. I didn’t get to see him play, he hadn’t played for them long enough to be on my radar yet either. But I felt his loss so deeply along with so much of the hockey community this weekend.
Other people will speak more eloquently about his life as a player and will be able to share all the wonderful things this young player has already accomplished. Other people will speak better than me to his skill on the ice, his abilities, his history, and his potential. I do know already that his teammates spoke so highly of him as a person as much as a player.
What I can speak to, is the hockey community and how we felt this as one team. That we have stood together- from the moment the tragic accident information started filtering through to the confirmation of what happened to stand together in the aftermath. I’ve watched flowers be laid at rinks around the country, and watched teams across the world honour a player they may or may not have known, and that’s been beautiful.
It has brought out the best in hockey. Those outside the UK in the sport might not appreciate how close-knit a community we are here. Hockey is a small town, a village, sometimes it feels like. In part it’s the distance- we aren’t covering games across NHL or European distances of course. Here too the sport remains fairly niche, so if you’re in it, it’s a small world- for both players and fans alike. So when something like this happens, it ricochets through our community.
I’ve talked elsewhere about never feeling like the sport was where I belonged until hockey. It is in a moment of tragedy seeing the community support each other- not just players supporting players or fans supporting fans, but everyone across the board, from officials to fans to management to the league, coming together…that feels special. With every fibre of my being, I wish we hadn’t had to find out this way, just how strong a community this is, but amid the tragedy that is a hopeful, even beautiful thing.
I can’t not acknowledge either that this has yes, brought out the wrost in some people. But they are ‘people’ not fans. Because hockey fans would not say the things those people have. But that too, the fans have rallied, shut down those conversations, and supported Adam’s family, and his hockey family. That speaks to the true colours of hockey fans.
All I will say on that matter too is that I stand with Matthew Petgrave in what is a terrible time for him. What happened was a freak accident, and he deserves nothing but support.
It’s only been a couple of days, and we are all in shock. Naturally, life continues around us, but I like many of us still feel shaken and deeply upset by what was a tragic freak accident. I know we all feel that it could have been anyone- any of ‘our boys’ any of us witnessing it. Because that’s the horrifying nature of something so utterly without explanation, without precedent…there’s no preparing for it to happen, and no escaping that feeling of how easily it could have been your game, your rink, your player. That’s why we’re all feeling it so deeply.
And we do, in hockey, in the UK, care so deeply about our players, too. That drew me, and kept me in the sport, but it has been proven this weekend. It’s only about teams and points and rivalries until something else, something bigger, happens. Then they’re all our team, they’re all the guys we shed tears over, who we want to support to get through this.
On a personal note, I was raised in three hockey cities: Cardiff, Montreal and Nottingham. And the Panthers are my hockey family too, even outside of this. That city was my home for a long time, and it feels like a piece of me is ripped out every time I think of what happened there, in my town, my rink, to my other team. It took me a while to get back to hockey, but they’re part of my hockey history. And that thread, back to this too will always be there now. So while I know we’re all one team right now, I want to say to the Panthers, that I’ve always been a part of you and I stand with you too now.
We know this sport we love is dangerous. Any of us too who step on the ice ourselves know we’ve chosen those risks. But there are injuries, there are hits, there are season-ending blows and even career-ending blows. But there shouldn’t be life-ending moments, that is simply the stuff of unforeseen, awful coming together of circumstances. In fact, relative to how dangerous the sport is, there are thankfully only a handful of deaths on the ice in history. And that’s how it should stay. Freak accidents will and do happen in any sport, and of course we must avoid them wherever we can, but by nature they are just that…a freak set of circumstances. Should this be an opportunity to reflect, to consider the safety of our players? Of course, the league should reflect, learn, see what we can always do to keep everyone safe. Because after all it’s a sport, it’s a job, it’s a passion, but it’s not worth anyone sacrificing their lives for. At the same time, we must tread that balance between the acceptable risks we all take if we choose to step onto ice in the name of sport, and protecting those who play that sport.
Those conversations will come. As will the time to be back on the ice. Our teams will gather, and play again. Things will get back to normal because that’s the way of the world, the way of sport. We will get back to cheering for goals, to fights and penalty kills. To cheering, to chriping, to celebrating. But it might happen slowly for some.
It’s okay too, hockey family if this takes time for some of you. For some, getting back to the rink will feel right to honour Adam, whether they knew him or not. For others, it might take a while. I wrote in another piece this week too, about when someone we don’t know dies, if they meant something to us, or to something that matters to us, it’s ok to feel that loss. It makes us human to feel that loss. And I know so many of us have this weekend. I didn’t know Adam, I never saw him play even, but I have cried for his loss, for the ones he’s left behind, for the absurd, horrifying tragedy of it all. I know that loss will stay with me, and my hockey family for a long time to come. But once again, the beauty that I’ve seen from the hockey community is that we’re navigating that loss together, whether we know each other personally or not.
We should never have had to find out this way that the community’s bonds are that strong. But at the same time, it made me proud to be a part of a community that cares this much and looks after each other when it matters. So keep looking after each other hockey family, while we slowly get back to the game that brought us together, but while we carry through the people, from whatever team we’re from, who need us right now.
A footnote as a personal aside for anyone who actually knows me, this news came on the same day as the news of the tragic death of actor Matthew Perry. I wrote a separate piece about that, as conflating them felt wrong. But they both hit me hard, and I was genuinely upset all day. I probably looked fine then (I had a busy day in London and a lovely one) but I cried in the toilets a few times. I cried at the concert I was at. This isn’t a ‘make it about me’ moment it’s a moment of honesty about how the loss of people we don’t know does in fact affect us deeply sometimes. And that’s ok.
Thank you for this. I know a number of hockey fans, and at least one good friend was attending the match and saw all that happened... 😔