It's ok to be a weird family at Christmas
Or 'no I'm not seeing family this Christmas and that's ok actually'
Yesterday, during a rant about people who are excessively ‘Christmassy,’ and obsessed with ‘family time’ my mother looked me dead in the face and said;
‘Yes, but you don’t have any family.’
Before anyone is outraged, I thought it was hilarious. And accurate. Anyone who knows my mother or me knows this is very much how we talk to each other. We’ll also just ignore the fact that her brother is very much alive and well and lives 20 minutes away, and we like him perfectly fine. But we’ll get to that.
Because all that is what I wanted to write about for a festive blog; weird family and the holidays. I’m not talking here about sad situations where folks are alienated from their families. That’s really awful, and if that’s you I’m sorry, and I hope you have folks around you or get through all this regardless. What I wanted to talk about is the folks who have weird family setups, weird Christmases…and, really like my mother above…kind of don’t give a fuck…but get judged by society and Hallmark movies for it.
Firstly, because every time I say it, someone does; I’m aware there’s no such thing as ‘normal’ and that nobody’s Christmas looks like a movie. However, when you’re a bit out of step with tradition, people still give you the ‘oooh’
Case in point, I’ve spent weeks having to say, ‘Oh nah I’m not bothering taking more than I have to off for Christmas, I’d rather take the holiday when I’m actually doing something.’ …this…makes sense to me. I’m not traveling anywhere for Christmas, and while a few days off is nice, I’d rather keep my holiday to…go do something another time. Equally, people are really bemused when your response to ‘What are your Christmas plans?’ is ‘nothing really’. Or, in my case this year, an excited ‘Two hockey games!’ (we’ll get back to that). It’s a weird social expectation to either be excitedly talking about time with extended family or complaining about it. Wild indifference and just sitting in your house aren’t an option.
But it is. It’s always an option.
It’s not that I hate Christmas. I enjoy many of the things in the run-up to it. I really enjoy giving gifts too. I also really, really love food. And gin. And cake. Given these are the major aspects of Christmas, I have zero objection to the day itself. But what I don’t have is a whole host of family-oriented traditions. I won’t see any family other than my mum, who I see every day anyway, and that’s totally fine.
I will see friends, have seen them in the run-up, and will continue to see them over the break. And I’m grateful to the friends who do want to do stuff. We don’t acknowledge enough how particularly for single folk, hurtful the narrative of ‘sorry family is the only people I can spend time with at this time’ is. It’s a reminder that somehow we’re seen as lesser on our own. But that also, somehow, we’re broken or wrong to not have a big family to gather with…which is ridiculous. But a reminder, friends, that your single folks do count as a family, or part of a family, even if it doesn’t look like what you think it should. Also, your folks without kids are not less important this time of year either. We place so much burden on single and/or child-free folks, but also, as a society, treat them as an afterthought for not fitting the ‘proper’ narrative. And you count, whether you spend it with a huge extended family playing with kids, alone, with friends or on a beach somewhere (looking at the weather, you beach dwellers have made the right call).
As hurtful as it sometimes is to feel lonely and alone, it’s also really irritating to be almost policed in how you’re supposed to behave or what you’re supposed to want. I don’t want to spend three days with huge extended family groups that I never see. That sounds positively hellish. I am quite happy holed up at home with my mum.
There’s also the ‘only child, one dead parent’ element. People will recoil at the fact that I do not spend my Christmases lamenting that ‘if only my dad was here.’ Do you know when my dad gets mentioned at Christmas? When we pour cream on something and recall a particularly unhinged rant about the year, we forgot it, and he lost his shit over it. So we fully take the piss and do not in fact miss said unhinged rant. Do you know what we did the year he died? We went to New York for Christmas. Not really because it was super sad, but because we could, because we were freed from all the ‘traditions’ we’d previously had (one of which involved sitting joylessly in the Conservative Club across the road for an hour). What I’m saying is it’s perfectly ok 18 years later not to be sadly sitting there thinking about Dead Dad (™) because…a) Dead Dad was frankly a pain in the arse at Christmas, b) it’s been half your lifetime now, so what’s the point in pretending?
And that’s where I’m at with Christmas too. I’m done pretending like I wish I had a family (thanks, Mum) because I don’t…I’m fine. We’re fine. And I think it’s ok to acknowledge that some people happily exist without being in their extended family's pockets, even at Christmas. Yes, mum still has one brother alive. We get on perfectly fine with him and his daughter. No, we don’t go and visit ‘cos it’s Christmas,’ and everyone is fine with that. It’s fine to fall somewhere between ‘everyone has to see all the family all the time’ and ‘we hate them all’. Again if I was choosing to spend time with people I’m related to, there are 364 other days a year where that’s also possible. On Christmas, I’ll stay home with gin.
And this too is your reminder that there are no rules about what you should do. I’m not talking about those crazy families who ban TV on Christmas (who also clearly do not know the meaning of Christmas: the Strictly Special). But also what you should and shouldn’t do and when. I will spend some of both Christmas Eve and Boxing Day doing some writing. Because I enjoy it, and it’s a rare chance to have a lot of time to do it. I will also likely be leaning into my inner capitalist and utterly rinsing the Boots sale, I’m not proud, but I will be. Two things I’m most looking forward to over Christmas are a trip to London to see Cabaret (ah, that Christmas classic about queerness and Nazis) and to see a friend who lives far from me. I am also looking forward to two hockey games. Because, to me, nothing says Christmas like 200lb Canadians beating the crap out of each other on ice. Genuinely in the next week, these are my highlights: friends, theatre, and hockey. And that’s ok. I will enjoy Christmas day well enough too, but that doesn’t have to be my highlight. It doesn’t have to be all ‘family family family’ or it’s wrong.
That’s my main takeaway. Much love and sympathy to those who do wish for but can’t have the ‘family family family’ Christmas for whatever reason. But also, my folks who won’t and don’t care much either way (that’s a free Cabaret reference for ya), I see you; you’re valid. Enjoy your cake, and chocolate, and whatever else brings you joy (toothless Canadians in my case). Because it’s just one day. And your family, or lack of one, doesn’t make it anything good or bad it’s morally neutral. However you choose to spend Christmas. I’m not wrong for not caring that I don’t have 100 cousins to hang out with, and neither are you. Eat, drink, be merry or just indifferent. But do buy as much discounted chocolate post-Christmas as you can. You deserve it.
And one more thing, I do Sarah Millican’s ‘Join In’ every Christmas on Twitter, where we all chat about Christmas. I love it because it’s a mix of the traditional and us weirdos who don’t care so much. So join in with the weirdos and me this Christmas if you like. And if we know each other or don’t, I’m happy to be your virtual family on Christmas, too, if you need that.
But equally if you want to spend Christmas ignoring all the other humans, related to you or not. I fully support you. Wise move.