On following 'joy' in work.
I had an angrier, rantier post half drafted this week about the struggles of job hunting, of job hunting while autistic and ADHD and all the trauma of that. It turns out I’m just too stressed to finish it. But instead, I was musing about something else, that is, the following: what brings you joy, or at least contentment, instead of battling all that.
I’m not talking about some hippy-dippy ‘find your inner peace’ or some kind of terrible influencer marketing ‘find joy in 356 days’ or nonsense. I’m talking about if and how you follow what you’re interested in, what you want to do over what you should. And how that affects the shape of a life and career.
I started thinking about this last weekend when someone shared a thread about working-class writers. The gist that struck me was the not ‘having it all’ element. As a working-class writer, I had to choose between chasing a career in a more traditional, corporate way or chasing the ‘dreams’ of writing. But that doesn’t look like the luxury of ‘quit your job to write’; instead, it seems like ‘get a job that consumes as little of your life as possible to write’.
And that is where I’ve gone ‘wrong’ in corporate life and in my ‘career’ but maybe ‘right’ in writing (that’s hard to say). Because the thing is, I know that on career paper, I’m a ‘failure’...I currently do not make enough to sustain an independent life (that’s also the Tories' fault). I have not achieved the level of job role that perhaps aligns with my age, experience or qualifications. And while there is a lot at play there (see again: Tories), my circumstances have played into it (see also working class, autism, disability, etc). It’s also because I have always prioritised my ‘real’ career: my writing, creative work and research. And that’s either a success or a failure, depending on who is looking.
And it’s something I go back and forth on; have I wasted my time? Should I have prioritised ‘climbing a ladder’ and ‘playing the game’? The honest answer is I have no idea how to. The other answer is I don’t think I want to.
Maybe it’s Autistic thinking, but I’ve never seen the benefit of playing someone else’s game. Of giving over my whole life to work that isn’t my work. I’m not talking about not putting the effort in; I’m not talking about things like my teaching work or working with communities and all the other stuff I’ve done in charity and art roles (more on that below). I think more in the ‘nobody is going to die if this spreadsheet isn’t filled in today’ or ‘I don’t need to answer this email at 10 pm because the world will keep turning’. In short, I just don’t have the mindset to climb that kind of ladder, and that’s ok. Outside of ‘work’, there has always been ‘work’, and that second ‘work’ is what drives me and gives me joy.
I work to support my other work. And while in some late-stage-capitalism way, it also feels balanced. My ‘day jobs,’ whether seen as ‘professional’ or ‘survival’ jobs, allow me to do the work I truly want to do. Again it’s fucked-up late-stage capitalism shit that this also includes funding me to be able to teach, but let’s park that as it’s an issue too big to unravel here. In short, though, I’ve always taken jobs that allow me to keep working on the side, whether that was studying for my PhD, writing plays, writing books, teaching workshops, running theatre companies, or being a journalist all the things that fill me with creativity and makes me feel fulfilled. Again fucked up late-stage capitalism that there aren’t more ways to earn a living doing those but stay with me. And in doing those in tandem, I have balance. I’m not reliant on my ‘art’ or ‘side hustles’ to make a living entirely, but my job is also not my whole identity.
And in a world where your job is supposed to be, I realise too that’s why this kind of approach brings me more joy. Because I am not my job title or the company I work for. I do not identify or align with whoever they are at a given time, and I don’t feel I have to change my identity externally to be an ‘x employee’ (not an actual x employee, Elon, if you’re reading).
That doesn’t mean that I’ve chosen ‘easy’ jobs, though weirdly, that is the perception based on another element of following ‘joy’ (well, not always joy; I’m a realist). But I’ve always worked in arts or charity sector jobs, which are regarded by some as ‘hobby’ jobs. After a decade or more in both sectors, this was a shock to me, watching talented people give their all for little money. But I guess to some, they’re fluffy, cute little, ‘not real jobs’ that people do because they can, as an indulgence. So I kind of want to say that there’s a difference between choosing to sacrifice capital gains and even career progression for work you either believe in or makes you feel something ‘joy adjacent’ at times, but that doesn’t mean it’s not a job that it’s not hard and doesn’t require skill talent and indeed decent pay. Everyone I know who has left the arts and charities sector for other fields is more often shocked at the slower pace and lower workloads elsewhere (cough for higher salaries cough). So, I guess I’m saying following joy isn’t the same as an easy ride.
But yet somehow, too, we’re thought of as hobbyists, taking an easy ride, following silly passions….and somehow too, this is seen as wrong both in day jobs and outside them.
I will take the ‘silly passions’ if it means I’m making a difference in the world, even small ones. And honestly, that’s why most of us are in these sectors. It’s certainly not for the money, the prestige or even, quite often, the respect (internally or externally). We aren’t doing it either out of some moral crusade or feeling like we are somehow saving the world (I mean, some wankers are, but they’re just the wankers). Most of us just chose the path, arts, or charities because we can’t reconcile exchanging our labour to simply line a billionaire’s pockets. We are all creatures of capitalism; we all have to eat, but I think those of us in these sectors just want it to do at least something good, even if that something is hugely relative.
And as much as following a path in charities and arts does not always bring me joy- frequently, it brings me frustration, anger and a negative bank balance. However, in the bigger scheme of things, and not to sound entirely moralistic about it, it does mean I feel better about my contribution to the world. Do I make a massive difference through my work? No, not especially, not yet anyway. Do I think that doing what I’ve done, rather than working for a bank, has at least not made the world any worse? Yes. So I’ll take that.
Following joy/your heart/your moral compass in choosing non-profit-related work takes a lot of work. But it’s one I know now I can’t go back on- as much as yes, I take freelance work for profit (I have no qualms taking larger sums of freelance money from large corporations), in the broader sense, no, I cannot fathom a career where my end goal/reason for employment is just making a billionaire profit. So, I continue to choose the hard path that ultimately brings more joy.
But this feeds into a larger mentality of ‘work shouldn’t bring you joy’ or ‘seeking that which brings you a happier life over success’ and isn’t what you ‘should’ do. I find that increasingly, as I assess what to do ‘next’ in my day job. While yes I love to be fulfilled in my work and do something that feels constructive and meaningful, I have zero desire to create a food chain. I enjoy a job that I leave at the end of the day, and while I like doing something morally aligned with who I am, I do not need my job to be who I am. And yet, somehow, that’s doing it wrong?
In the last two years, I’ve had such a job; it’s challenging (in that I occasionally want to scream in frustration at people), interesting (aligned with stuff I am interested in) and, on the whole, a good job. But I don’t think about it when I’m not there. I do my job and leave, and I have achieved an incredible work-life balance (I have hobbies and do social things for the first time in my life), and my freelance work has come on leaps and bounds. And yet I’m left feeling guilty that I’m not pushing hard enough in my job and that all that other joyous stuff is just ‘silly’ and shouldn’t be a priority; getting a better job should. And I honestly want to say….why? Why is the ‘better’ job the ‘better’ option? Why is the work I choose to do around my job less valuable? And valuable to whom exactly?
And in part, yes, I am talking about the ‘success’ of my writing in recent years (but with a decade of work behind it, I might add). And this isn’t a post about that, but I have written five books, and yet, in the traditional barometer of things because I’m not a ‘full-time author’ (spoiler, there are few of those), it’s not my ‘career’. Another spoiler: I’m a dramaturg, tutor, and facilitator, and I run a theatre company…but as none of these come with a big salary and full-time commitment, they’re always considered less…oh yes, they’re considered my ‘hobbies’ just like in some circles even working in the arts or charities is a bit of a hobby. But also, more importantly, they have considered things I shouldn’t prioritise. Instead, I should prioritise some mythical job titles.
Following joy does not also mean not working hard either. It’s not a competitive sport but I think its worth noting that for the past decade since doing my PhD, I’ve worked almost every evening and weekend, either in structured work (delivering workshops) or doing my own writing. I’m ok with that because it’s on my own terms, I can stop any time (not in an ‘I can stop any time’ way but in an ‘I’m the boss of me, I can stop any time’). I enjoy the work, it brings me joy, and focus and allows me to achieve things I want to. And while I really do want the outside world to know just how much work this sort of thing takes, I also want to draw a line between just because I’m willing to work until 10pm at night on my own book or script or teaching, doesn’t mean I want a job where that’s expected. What I mean is I’m capable of working incredibly hard, of putting the hours in…I just want to choose who those hours are for. And I choose me, and the work that brings me joy.
This all comes full circle when I think about my creative work. I feel such judgement sometimes for ‘wasting’ time on my chosen creative outlets. Previously plays, currently working on novels. Yes, I choose to dedicate time virtually every single day to writing those things. These things may never see the light of day. In part, I do it. After all, I simply enjoy it because I have always written and cannot fathom a world where I do not. But also, yes, of course, I hope I can share them. But I feel a weird conflicting guilt of ‘if you put as many hours into a proper job yuo’d be much more successful’ and you know what the answer is quite simply I do not want to. I want to write stories, create work, write blog posts like this, review plays, teach workshops and help people with scripts….I want a life, not a job.
So yes, I’ll continue with my stories scripts and helping people with theirs. I’ll probably continue to pursue jobs that will never make me rich or successful but might make me happy. I’ll continue pursuing jobs that are just jobs because, actually, jobs don’t make me happy. Jobs allow me to pursue the things that bring me joy. And maybe that’s enough.