As it’s almost Christmas, it feels like time for what is now an annual tradition (because I said so) and talk about not feeling like you do Christmas ‘poperly’—or feeling out of step with ‘proper Christmas’ for various reasons.
I’m not a Grinch, I don’t hate Christmas. I am perhaps ‘Christmas agnostic’ in many ways but this year once again, I’m struggling with both feeling festive, but also anticipating the ‘not doing it right’ feeling of not ‘enjoying’ what ‘normal’ people enjoy about Christmas.
Ok, I’ll get my Grinch-y ness out of the way at the start. Here are some things that I now class as ‘none of my business’ at Christmas.
Works Christmas Parties in the Evening.
If you’re expecting me, go out where there are other people. At Christmas. That right there is not happening. There are people out there, it’s crowded and expensive. You try and schedule that shit on a Saturday as well? No sir no thank you.
Anything Mulled.
No, I’m sorry hot wine/cider/chucking herbs in it. Hard pass thank you.
Stressing ourselves to see friends ‘before Christmas’
You’ll still be my friend in January and there will be less people around then. See you then.
Shops in general in the month of December
The lord invented online shopping for a reason. Tis the damn season.
Christmas Music
Since I left a choir, I realised I don’t actually like Christmas music. Sorry Mariah, but I’m over here listening to Taylor and musicals like the rest of the year.
The Phrase ‘Picky Tea’
I swear to god this wasn’t a thing until 2 years ago and it gives me the ick.
Christmas Films
See Christmas music. I actually don’t care for them. Except Home Alone. I respect a violent Christmas. (I do however love a Christmas episode of TV, and shall be rewatching all the Friends ones, Schitt’s Creek and of course that Christmas classic ‘How the Ghosts Stole Christmas’ from The X Files).
While we’re on that….
Muppet Christmas Carol
How/when did we agree as Millenials that we have to LOVE this film or we’re broken? Because I frankly do not get it…
On that note, I feel often, as an ageing Millenial, that I have a ‘broken’ sort of Christmas. I feel left out as I don’t travel home for Christmas. I don’t have to wrangle in-laws and extended family. I don’t even have an extended family of my own. I get the sympathetic head tilt when I say, ‘It’s just me and mum actually’ (you pictured Richard from Friends there, didn’t you?).
In all honesty, my Christmas is….fine? Honestly, I don’t love Christmas day itself, I struggle massively with a completely out-of-routine day when there’s nowhere to go and nothing to do. Without work or places to be I end up feeling a bit ‘meh’. But the days around it I think are great I love the build-up and things like Boxing Day and now going to Hockey or a trip into London for theatre all grand. New Year's can frankly get in the bin, but that’s because I’m an aging Millenial who never liked parties anyway.
But I do feel, as a single, neurospicy aging Millenial, that there’s a feeling I don’t do Christmas ‘right’ because I don’t try to have the Hallmark-Muppet-y version of it. But I’ve never had that. I had an 80s and 90s lower-income childhood filled with plastic toys, plastic trees and going to the pub on Christmas day. I’ve never had a big extended family and never cared about visiting the ones I did have (one half are just as indifferent, and the other are just not nice people). And that indifference to the ‘oh but family’ part irks people. It’s that I’m supposed to be sad about my lack of significant other/extended family/Hallmark looking Christmas that really annoys people. Instead my indifferent shrug and ‘oh just hang out at home with mum then see some hockey’ confuses at best, annoys at worst. What do you mean you don’t spend the day sobbing because you’re single/half orphaned?
Tell you what else irks people: not spending Christmas pining for my Dead Dad. Or even my Dead Nan. Or insert Dead Relative Here. And again, sorry, we’re not a gather-around-the-grave-Christmas-Morning family. Firstly, again no extended family (Do the Richard Head Tilt again). Secondly, my Nan was 98 when she died; the woman had a good run, and it was 22 years ago now I think we’re all ok with it.Similarly, my Dad has been dead for nearly 20 years, and frankly, he was a pain in the arse to live with, especially at Christmas. Do you know how we remember him on Christmas day? By recreating the hissy fit he had over some cream the last Christmas he was alive.
Obviously, that’s just our take on things, our family…for some, obviously, it’s a painful time remembering people who aren’t here any more. But that example (I could give you more) illustrates that actually, you don’t know someone’s circumstances or how they feel about holidays or Dead Relatives, and you shouldn’t assume. You shouldn’t also assume it’s hugely tragic and sad or that they aren’t doing it ‘right’ without them.
I think, too, if you’re not an only child with a single parent for a couple of decades if you’re not also single at an older age, it’s hard to understand that dynamic- and what Christmas looks like. Mine and Mum’s ‘fuck it whatever’ Christmas has its own ‘traditions’, I guess, but we don’t think of them that way. We just sort of bumble along do the Christmas thing, and it evolves…now we go to hockey, we don’t have a dog to walk (I actually miss the dog more than the dad at Christmas for that alone…), we go to Boots on boxing day to raid their sale, I make her watch The X Files…but also none of these are ‘sacred’ traditions. If one year we think ‘fuck it’ and do something else, it’s ok. It’s ok that I’m off to London a couple of days after Christmas to see friends whereas I know for other people it would be sacrilege to leave a parent on their own at Christmas (honestly she’ll be glad of a day alone by then).
None of this is a revolutionary or hot take, really. But I do get exhausted by the feeling of ‘Oh it’s so sad you don’t have a traditional Christmas’ or ‘Oh don’t you miss your dad’ and also of course ‘Oh no she’s single, and it’s Christmas’ and ‘oh no she doesn’t have kids so sad’.
Once again, these are all projections of what Christmas (and life) must be like to be fulfilled. No, I don’t have a partner to share a Christmas with, and no I don’t have another family attached to them (but who is to say I’d like that family or want to spend time with them). No I don’t have Crotchspawn, and that is my choice and one I’m very happy in. I’m sure it’s all very magical if that’s your thing, but also, nobody is screaming at 6 am because their toy needs batteries, and frankly, I’ll take that, thank you.
And also, while we’re at it, here’s to the kids who didn’t grow up with not just ‘traditional’ Christmas but also ‘traditions’ at Christmas. No, I didn’t grow up with Christmas afternoon board games or a festive walk. I grew up with ‘quick get Nan dropped off to your Uncle’s and back in time to go to the pub’ and maybe get home for the Only Fools and Horses special. I’ve never watched the Queen’s speech in my life. I didn’t taste Christmas pudding until I was in my 30s. We weren’t trying to be ‘different’ we were just…lower income, trying to get by who also didn’t have a bunch of siblings and extended family (and a bunch of undiagnosed neurospicy folks). When I think of Christmas, I don’t think of any misty-eyed traditions because they never existed, which is why I’m not sad they ended with a Dead Dad or not sat I don’t have a ‘my’ family to do it with.
In truth, Christmas differs every year, depending on what else is happening. This year it feels like it’s been thrown together just before I collapse in a heap with exhaustion because it’s been a ridiculous year. I was more invested in planning for my holiday in early November than planning for Christmas and spent the last four months juggling a book coming out and two jobs rather than making a festive plan. I’m currently more excited about a trip to Ikea and one last skating lesson than I am about turkey and cranberry. I’m more excited to see a friend in London than I am for Christmas TV. Normally, I bake up a storm in the run-up to Christmas…this year, I bought a Colin the Caterpillar cake. I’m mostly excited to have a week off work and to not have to see other humans. Next year, maybe I’ll go full Hallmark and redecorate the whole house, bake cookies and handmake gifts (ok, that is a step too far). Or maybe I’ll book a holiday instead.
All to say, that Christmas isn’t what the world says it is, it’s whatever you want or don’t want it to be. There’s no right or wrong way for any of it.
Now if you don’t mind, I’m going to find where I hid the Christmas cookies I bought months ago and forgot about.
Our main - perhaps only - Christmas 'tradition' is watching It's A Wonderful Life (where possible at a cinema). We watched it on DVD during my cancer treatment and COVID, but a screening full of people laughing and crying together is something special. I would not impose it on anyone else. Expectations are for fools.
And How the Ghosts stole Christmas X-files? 🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉 Awesome choice