This is not a blog about the Edinburgh Fringe. But it is about what the Fringe makes me think about every year, and that is: You don’t have to do the thing.
Finally, I think I really believe it.
First and foremost, all love to the Fringe and all the artists (mostly unpaid), critics (mostly unpaid) and front of house (mostly underpaid if paid) and everyone else who makes that place run. All love and excitement to the brilliant work that comes out of the fringe, and well to the not-so-brilliaint too. All love to the comedy and circus and musicals and plays and everything in between. These thoughts in no way take away from all the brilliant things you do.
It’s just…I don’t want to go…and I’ve never wanted to go…and that’s…ok.
Now there are a few layers to this; there’s the why I don’t want to go. There’s the ‘why theatre pressures us into thinking we must’, and then there’s the wider letting go of the ‘shoulds’ in life.
Ok, firstly, the ‘why don’t you want to go to the Fringe Em, it’s a magical mystery land of theatre.’ I’m sure it is. Firstly, I’m not a millionaire, which is increasingly seemingly like a prerequisite for going. However, that is an entirely different blog and not one for me to make. The reasons I don’t want to go are really that I find the idea of it entirely overwhelming. The fact there is too much to choose from, too much happening at once with too many people, is enough to send my ADHD, Autistic introverted self-running for the hills.
And that’s the long and short of it; it’s not for me I don’t want to go and that’s fine. But the thing about theatre is there’s this notion that if you’re not letting it consume your life you’re doing it wrong.
This extends to the amount of theatre you see too; I often catch myself thinking, ‘oh I’m not seeing as much theatre as I used to I’m doing it wrong.’ coupled with a guilty feeling soon after of ‘that’s why you never made it in theatre, you didn’t want it enough.’ And that’s the thing, being seen to want it, is often more important than what’s behind it. Being seen to be at the Fringe or every cool show in London/wherever you are is often seen as more important. And I’m of course not saying don’t support these shows if you can/want to…but I’m saying being seen to isn’t everything.
And honestly, maybe I wasn’t seen to do the right thing often enough. Maybe it is why I didn’t get x y or z job in theatre over the years. But actually, for a long time (Fringe aside) I did almost kill myself to get to all the things. To do all the things, see all the shows, review all the shows, get to the events…and it still wasn’t enough. So maybe it’s never actually about that. Maybe it’s all much like what’s on stage…an illusion.
But here’s the thing also, somewhere along the line I also stopped caring about wanting or not wanting to go to the Fringe. And I find myself not caring about not doing as much as I used to in theatre. Because things change, priorities change. And I don’t mean that in a condescending ‘we all grow up’ way. Because that’s bullshit. It’s just that in different seasons of life different things matter. In another ten years I might find myself seeing more theatre than in my twenties who knows.
But for now, I simply do not have the desire to act like I used to about theatre. I no longer care that the ‘hot show’ comes and goes and I miss it. I no longer care if the ‘should see’ is not seen because guess what…it only has to matter to me.
There is a sad part to this; it comes from my slow, long breakup with theatre. The idea that actually I will never work in theatre like I once really with all my heart wanted to. That I will perhaps never write plays like I thought I would, and that slowly I’ll let the reviewing and even writing about theatre slowly ebb away. And that’s sad, truly, it is. A decade and a bit of my professional life if not disappearing then changing is sad and a difficult thing to let go of. But maybe also it’s for the best. Maybe I need to let that go and fade for the real love of theatre to return. Or maybe it’ll all fade who knows? What I do know is that it’s not life or death. I will find other professional interests, I will find other hobbies and maybe just maybe the two will balance out.
Because that’s the thing, that’s theatre’s dirty little secret; you have to make it your job and your hobby because you won’t have time for both. And you can’t have it be your job without it being a good chunk of your life and you can’t keep the hobby part and the job part separate and maybe you have to stop it consuming you to keep your sanity.
Because I question my sanity looking back or at least how healthy and sustainable the rate of theatre I thought I had to keep up to keep a foot in the door when in reality that door was never really open. That I would have weeks of five shows to review. That I would plan every single weekend away to revolve around theatre. I have a decade where the only holidays I took were ones that involved nine or ten theatre shows in a week. That…isn’t a healthy hobby or work balance, not for me, and not for such a long stretch of time at least.
Right now I feel like I have a balance. I go to London for shows I want to see and let others pass me by. My London trips are now as much about meeting up with friends, spending quality time with them as they are the theatre. I no longer plan my holidays around theatre trips. Instead, I’m revisiting cities I love, and hopefully new places too.
Is it easy to do this letting go/long break up situation? No. I still have incredible guilt that I’m not seeing much theatre and don’t want to see as much theatre…which shows how unhealthy a hold it had over me. I forever feel the imagined external judgment of ‘oh wow, she doesn’t care anymore’ or ‘call herself a theatre person’ etc etc
And you know what maybe I didn’t. Maybe I never had it in me to do ‘whatever it takes’, and I think that’s another ‘should’ to let go of too: should I have to do ‘whatever it takes’ for…a job? ‘should’ my whole life become about work, or should I instead focus on what fulfills me, while paying the bills another way? Maybe in an industry too that will never pay the bills, its not so much a ‘should’ as a necessity anyway.
And so no, I might not have the theatre job I spent a good 7-8 years trying to get. And I might not have the string of plays behind me building a ‘career’ somewhere in that which all fell into place after years of theatre going and being ‘seen’. I might not even have the reviewing career that I once had because life (and a pandemic) and work intervened and other things took its place.
What I do have however, is the opportunity to do other things. I never would have allowed myself to spend time going to gigs over the theatre. Whether thats going 15 minutes down the road to see The Indigo Girls or whether it’s doing Noah Reid concerts back to back or flying to Scotland for Taylor Swift…there’s something freeing about feeling like I can choose different things. The same with Hockey, my newest love. I now prefer to spend my money but more importantly my time watching a hockey game every week than I do going to theatre because I ‘should’. And its the ‘should’ of it that ultimately is what we come back to. None of this is talking about the theatre I’m excited for and I’m still excited for so much theatre. But like the idea of you ‘should’ if you’re a theatre person go to the Edinburgh Fringe, there’s a ‘should’ about how much theatre you ‘should see in order to be committed, to be good enough to be…what?
Nothing, it really doesn’t matter. It’s a play it’s supposed to be fun. And if something stops being fun you stop doing it. Or do it less, until it is fun again. Or do something else. Or nothing at all. In the grand scheme of things it doesn’t matter. My love for theatre has never been based on quantity but instead on those magical moments that first sparked that love. Let’s get back to those instead of what we ‘should’ love.
And maybe then too I’ll find a part of the career in theatre that I also love. Maybe it’s the writing about it still be it reviews or books. Maybe it’s writing plays will sneak back on in eventually. Or maybe it’s a job that I least expect somewhere down the line. Maybe it’s the maybe not the should. Maybe it’s closing one door to find god opened a window or whatever that nun once said.
And to all those at the Fringe, godspeed. I hope you get packed audiences and nobody blocks your shared toilet.
P.S another footnote on ‘Shoulds’
So there’s a LOT of ‘hot’ content in terms of TV and film right now. And with it (and social media) a lot of ‘should’ in that too. The idea you ‘Should’ watch a film the day it comes out (either on streaming or in person). Or that you ‘should’ have binged that entire series by now. Or you ‘should’ have a bunch of friends to dress up and see that other film with and….can we just stop?
Can we just remember that people consume media in different ways, at different rates, and all that is ok. Particularly with queer media the idea that you’re a ‘bad gay’ (not the good kind of bad gay) for not jumping on it…for needing to do it all in one day or whatever it is can we just chill.
And a friendly reminder that we don’t all have to love the same things…that’s another should to cross off our lists too.
Have spent way too much of my life haunted by 'should'... Am trying to divest myself of these but damn it is hard...