We Don't 'Out' people (and why in 2022 am I having to say this)
Thoughts on Kit Connor, outing, fandom and queerness
I was angry before 8 am this morning, which is even impressive. Why was I angry? Because I woke up to the news that Kit Conner, star of Heartstopper, had been forced to out himself on Twitter because people were hounding him with accusations of queerbating.
There’s so much wrong with this that I barely know where to start, but I’m using my lunch break to express this rage, so I’ll try and be concise.
First and foremost: You don’t out people.
Let me say that again: You Don’t Out People.
Now, ‘outing’ people doesn’t just mean telling the world they’re queer. Outing also puts so much pressure on a person or speculates so heavily that they’re forced to say something. See also what happened to Lee Pace during his run in Angels in America (we’ll return to him later). It is NEVER ok to speculate on someone’s sexuality in a public way (obviously, it’s shady privately, but I can’t stop any of us from thinking, and we’ve all wondered about other people that’s natural, it’s fine, as long as we don’t bring it to public spaces).
Outing is never ok, but outing an actual teenager? I hope these people take a long hard look at themselves. SO many of us were outed as teens against our will. And it was terrible. And we were only outed to a schoolyard full of people. Now I’m sure Kit spoke to those close to him and may well have been ‘out’ in his personal life for a while. But even that is not ours to speculate or be involved in. But we have no right- I repeat, no right- to force him to be out to anyone he isn’t comfortable being out to.
Because we all come out over and over again. Despite being massively queer on the internet (I am a massive queer, after all), back in, say…2019 I was very much NOT out in my workplace and would have hated to have been outed in that space. We all draw our own boundaries for who gets to know these things.
But also…Kit Connor is a young person. He’s not done finding out who he is yet. When Lee Pace as mentioned above, was outed he was a man in his late 30s; he’d at least had a lot of time in his own skin, in his own identity to be secure. It doesn't make what was done to him any better, but it is a low-low move to out a teenager of 18. Raise your hand if you fully were secure in yourself at 18? Didn’t think so. Add to that the scrutiny of the world on you, and it’s a low low move.
But this all comes from another place too: toxic fandom and toxic queer culture (I don’t know what to call the latter so I'm going with that).
Firstly the Toxic Queer Culture. I don’t want to lump these folks in with what I know and love as Queer Culture, but every barrel has a rotten apple or something. There’s an increasing trend with, and I hate to say it, younger folks to police who is in the community and who isn’t. I hate to tell them they didn’t invent it, as queer folks have been gatekeeping for generations, but currently, there are many loud voices. There’s a lack of respect for older generations' way of doing things (we aren’t always right, but we have a right to our own ways of owning our identities). There’s a lot of hate for how people choose to label themselves and own those labels. There’s policing of how people express themselves and if they aren’t as loud and proud as is seen as ‘right’ they’re condemned; forgetting that many folks don’t have the luxury of being out and proud.
There are a lot of loud voices telling celebrities, in particular, how to be queer. See Harry Styles, and Taylor Swift for some loud (and frankly terrifying voices) in that respect. But these folks policing queer celebrities fail to see this trickles down. The queer, bisexual teen who sees you shouting at Kit Connor thinks he can’t be out. Or the closeted 20-something with a boyfriend sees you making conspiracy theories out of Taylor Swift and thinks they should just continue to hide. Or someone else who is a bit ‘camp’ sees you talking about Harry Styles and thinks they have to come out before they’re ready before someone starts accusing them of something too.
It doesn’t matter (on so many levels) if these celebrities are or are not queer. The trickle-down of ‘everyone must be out’ is dangerous.
That’s not to say we don’t want to celebrate people being out. We LOVE out celebrities and actors, musicians, and sportspeople. We love love that Yasmin from Heartstopper is an out transwoman at such a young age and comfortable doing so. We love that Sam Smith is a proud nonbinary performer, we love that Lee Pace is now comfortable talking about his sexuality. We love love having these folks on our ‘team’ but only, on their terms.
The other thing too, that is almost laughable is the notion that everything is queerbaiting. As an elder millennial, when I see this thrown around, I want to say ‘oh sweet summer child you have NO IDEA what queerbaiting looks like.’ Those of us raised in the 90s, moving into the slightly more permissive 00s were RAISED in queerbaiting. Every drama, every couple it seemed was almost but not quite queer. We almost got it so many times. And yet and yet. Ironically that’s why too we retreated to the internet, formed fandoms, wrote fic and made art to reclaim the queer stories lost to queerbaiting. Young people today have an abundance of queer drama by comparison and have developed a slightly distorted view of what queerbaiting looks like. To which I say, do your homework, listen to your elders. We lived through Sherlock and Supernatural just for a start….you don’t know what really insidious queerbaiting across all your media looks like. (Caveat to say queerbaiting of course still happens and is wrong…but in this instance….in Heartstopper…sorry my friends, no, you are, as my friend David Rose and Sherlock Holmes would say…incorrect)
But it goes beyond celebrities. It’s a joyous thing that so many young people are out and proud now, but this also neglects the fact that many cannot be, or that many older folks also cannot or do not want to be as ‘out’ for many and complex reasons. But also that despite an emphasis on micro labels and ‘newer’ identities, there’s still deeply engrained biphobia in the community. That in Kit’s case, the very NOTION he could be bi is actually what caused the outcry…how dare he be linked to women when in fact, that is a valid part of his identity. The utter IRONY that he plays a bisexual person on the show is not lost and frankly so ridiculous I cannot even formulate a commentary on it other than to say if you claimed to cry at his coming out scene then were part of the reason he’s had to come out…did you even watch the show?
But also, what the person does in their personal life has no bearing on his work. Again, should someone choose to be ‘out’ we celebrate that. But how dare we in 2022, use someone’s sexuality to judge whether they should or shouldn’t be part of something. This too is where I fall on ‘gay actors gay roles’ I celebrate when queer actors are able to perform queer roles, and be ‘out’ in doing so. But I have no business policing who gets those roles (unless they’re a notorious homophobe in real life).
But this leads to the other side of this, that actually, many fans want their ‘cute gay babies’ or ‘hot gay dudes’ and aren’t interested in the notion of true sexuality or the nuanced, messy, difficult reality of it.
And look, on one hand, Heartstopper is a fantasy; we get that. It’s a wholesome fairytale of a coming out coming of age story. And great! We deserve that. But the story, the characters and by extension, not just these actors, but many others are not your ‘cute gay babies’ or ‘hot gay men’ to play with. Fandom treats gay characters as playthings. As objects. Whether that’s over-sexualizing or infantilizing. They are things to be lusted over, write steamy stories, or coo over like they are cute animals. And look I am not here to shame anyone for a crush or steamy fanfic, as long as they keep it firmly in its place. But more and more, lines are crossed. Fans fail to see the lines between the fantasy they’re living in with the stories, and the very real queer folks they are impacting with these ideas. This, in general, is a bigger conversation to be written about. But this combination of fetishizing and infantilizing, the idea that gay men are ‘things’ that are serving a purpose for fans, is truly disgusting to me as a queer person.
It also links back to the fact that other queer identities are seen as ‘lesser’ because they don’t fit that neat narrative. I feel it as a queer woman, as a bisexual, as an asexual (I’ve been told my identity is ‘homophobic’ even). Because also that’s where this particular outing comes from, too…old fashioned biphobia and the idea that only certain kinds of queer people are ‘acceptable’. And in fandom and in certain queer communities, it’s only a particular kind of gay man that fulfills a fantasy of various kinds. And that is not ok.
I hope Kit is ok, though. I’m glad his cast mates seem to be genuinely all friends and I hope they’re supporting him along with his family. But also to any queer person who saw what happened ot him, and remembered it happening to them: I hope you’re ok too. Because doing it publicly to someone famous? It harms us all.
And to those behind his outing: shame on you. May you grow to know better. But if you don’t? You are not my queer community. You do not speak for me.