Writing an Asexual novel (or four) and why it matters on International Asexuality Day
For International Asexuality Day, how I'm affirming my Aceness in the world through creativity
It’s International Asexuality Day today, a day where we raise awareness about Asexuality…well internationally.
It often feels like a lot of pressure to have ‘something’ to say about Asexuality all the time. And while I’ve got a few blogs on that now, including my ‘Coming Out’ blog (here) and two anniversaries of that (here and here) around my personal journey. I also have my most (ahem) controversial blog on reading Schitt’s Creek’s Patrick as demisexual (here).
But what I actually wanted to write about or share today was something that has been a huge but quiet part of my asexuality for the past few years, that i, writing stories with Ace characters. For me, Ace characters in books and reading characters as Ace-spec in media (see above) have been a huge part of my journey with my sexuality. Indeed, writing my favourite character in Fic as demisexual was where I unravelled a lot of that identity.
Those fics eventually morphed into my own original fiction, one, in particular, becoming the bedrock of a novel, which is now a series that I’ve worked on for the past three years or so. This week, that novel got rejected twice within an hour. And normally, rejections don’t bother me; I’m sort of known for talking about them after all. But that rejection made me realise just how much I wanted to share these stories. How important these Ace-spec characters are to me.
Because I’ve found such solace in writing the feelings I never saw reflected back- not just in asexuality because I’ve written a world of neurodiverse, asexual, chronically ill, mentally unwell characters…because that feels like a world I recognise, but don’t see stories about. These people are my people, the people whose stories I need. I wrote about writing Ace stories previously (here and here), but having got this far into this world of Ace characters (there are two books finished and two more in progress), I’m at a point where I need to share them with the world.
It’s already been a long road in the writing, and the rejection is part of it, like any attempt to be creative in the world. An agent told me to change all their genders because they decided I was a certain kind of Queer woman by looking at me (spoiler, my gender is not that straightforward either, thank you and even if it is, mind your business). That same agent was also trying to make me make a character Trans as a token character, too, so I don’t exactly rate that opinion. But I know these stories aren’t mainstream ‘BookTok sensations’. I’ve read enough horny hockey stories (and by the way, these are non-horny hockey, hockey stories), and I’ve read enough queer romance to know these aren’t those kinds of books. But I’ve read enough queer stories to also know that there are stories like this, and readers who want- readers who need them- and that there aren’t enough such stories in the world. No, the stories aren’t ‘spicy’ enough for some either…and that’s kinda the point. These are stories of love, yes, but also deep friendship and chosen family, grief and finding a place in the world and much more. It’s the romance novel that I love as an asexual person but with an emphasis on love of all kinds rather than sex and romance. And while sex and queerness is part of these stories, I’m also creating a world of stories where queerness isn’t just about sex, or even romance. Where the complexities of navigating the world as a queer person and figuring out what it means are part of the story, but not the whole story. Where queer family is the heart of the narrative. And where acceptance for Asexuality is also at the heart for not just a token character but a whole family of queer characters and their Allo friends, family and partners. Create the world you want to see; create the world that would have helped you. That’s what these stories are.
I am determined to get these stories out there —there’s a whole web of Nick and Ben, Tim and Mark, Noah and Dylan (erm, those last two are brothers, by the way, but they have their own adventure to tell). They’re all flavours of asexual and neurodiverse. And their stories are important, not just to me, having hidden in them for a long time, but to the people yet to read them.
Embarking on a journey to self-publish these is daunting. I’m scared I’m the only one who cares about their stories. But also, if I needed them, there’s a chance someone else would do it, too.
So, for International Asexuality Day, here’s a glimpse into the asexual characters’ world I created to better see myself in the world…
***
‘This was nice.’ Nick said as they reached his apartment.
‘It was. You know, the last intelligent conversation before I get a house full of hockey idiots again.’
‘Hey, don’t knock the hockey.’ Nick grinned.
Ben rolled his eyes. ‘I’ll have to introduce you to them sometime.’
‘I’d like that.’
It came out too fast, and Nick felt like he betrayed himself.
‘Really?’ Ben looked serious.
Nick shrugged. ‘I’ve heard a lot about them, so…’
‘Mom keeps saying she wants to meet you.’ Ben shrugged. ‘Apparently, I talk about you a lot.’
‘Oh yeah?’ Nick smiled. He wasn’t sure why, but being talked about in Ben’s house sent a wave of something over him he couldn’t quite place.
‘Yeah, I uh guess I….’ Ben looked down. ‘Sorry if that’s weird.’
‘It’s nice.’ He shrugged. ‘Dad is always asking about you. About your work, but uh, you too.’
There was a long pause.
‘Guess I’d better…’ Ben gestured down the street.
‘Right. Yeah.’
Nick leaned in. Usually, they hugged. He didn’t know why he did it, but today, he grasped Ben’s arm and leaned in to kiss his cheek. Then the other. A slow, deliberate ‘Quebec goodbye’ but not quite. A usual French goodbye was a swift kiss to the cheek or usually the air next to it. He lingered on each, feeling himself tightening his grip on Ben’s forearm, steadying himself. He went to pull back properly, but Ben steadied him, holding him still.
Ben hesitated for a fraction of a second, worried he’d read it wrong. But Nick didn’t move away. He leaned back down, kissing Nick’s cheek, then the other, mirroring Nick’s actions. He smiled nervously as he held him there, and when Nick didn’t pull away, he leaned down, brushing his lips with his own. Then, Nick leaned up the fraction of an inch it took into him. And they were kissing.
It was such a cliche to think it wasn’t like any kiss he’d had before, but it wasn’t. Not least because it took seconds to get used to the soft stubble on Ben’s upper lip or the feeling of it under the hand he automatically reached up to his cheek- Ben doing the same to him, his big hand almost covering half his face but in a way that felt safe, secure. It lasted only a few seconds, firm yet soft and exhilarating; it all but knocked him off his feet.
‘I uh don’t know where that came from. I…haven’t ever…um…you know with …a ’ it came out nervous and garbled, but Ben’s hands were on his shoulders steadying him. But he fidgeted, wringing his hands until Ben shifted again, gently stilling them by covering them with his own.
‘I know.’ He said softly; he jerked his head towards the steps of the apartment and led him there.
Nick stared out into the dark. His street was quiet at night, and they sat for a bit, knees touching on the step and fidgeting with his fingers, trying to focus.
‘I’ve never kissed a guy before.’ He managed to get out this time, an embarrassed look down at his hands in his lap. ‘I’ve never kissed a lot of anyone. But I guess I’ve been thinking about you, feeling uh things and wondering if you might too. But I thought, no, it’s stupid, I’m stupid, and- I’m sorry.’
‘Don’t apologise for kissing me when I kissed you back.’ Ben said.
Nick looked over, and he was smiling. He hesitated a fraction, but Ben met him in the middle and kissed him again. Ben hesitated, then slowly reached over, easing Nick’s hands apart and taking one into his. He interlaced their fingers and ran his thumb over the back again. He felt Nick relax a fraction.
‘I kissed you back.’ He repeated.
Nick looked at him. It was real and happening, and it was, at least so far, okay.
‘Do you want to come in for a bit?’ He asked shyly. ‘Not for, I mean, maybe we should…talk or something?’
Ben stood, offered a hand to Nick, pulled him up and followed him up the shaky stairs to the apartment. He followed Nick inside, except Nick forgot the milk and had to run back down the stairs where he’d left it. Slight nervous chaos followed as Nick fussed with drinks, opened windows, and cleared away shoes and clothes into a pile. He returned to the counter where he’d left the coke cans and promptly dropped them. They rolled across the floor as he scrambled after them, then dropped them again.
‘Fuck. Oh, can’t drink them.’
He picked them up, whacked his leg on the table, then dropped them again.
‘Fuck.’ He repeated.
‘How about tea?’ Ben suggested, from where he’d watched the whole scene leaning against the wall, also teasing Nick’s British sensibilities.
Nick sighed but nodded and set about making it. He had to the act of making it soothed him. Methodically brewing it and bringing it over to where Ben had flopped on the sofa. He felt calmer; this felt like any other night Ben was here hanging out after studying or just watching movies. It was Ben, he reminded himself; he knew how to be around Ben. They sipped it silently, and Nick stole glances at Ben until he caught him. He put the mug down, still looking at Ben, all big eyes and wild hair, and laughed nervously. Ben tilted his head at him, then reached a hand over to the back of his neck, pulling him in. Nick leaned in again and kissed him suddenly and awkwardly. He pulled back, and Ben nodded at him. He held his gaze until he nodded back and leaned in. Kissing him slowly and deliberately, letting them both ease into it and feeling Nick lean into it, they continued kissing for moments longer before pulling apart.
‘You ok?’ Ben asked.
‘Very.’ Nick replied with a soft smile. Ben hadn’t seen that Nick smile before, and he widened his grin in response.
‘Good, ‘ Ben said, kissing him again softly. He tried to stay calm for Nick’s sake, but his heart was pounding in his chest with excitement, exhilaration and a tiny shred of anxiety. But as they kissed, everything felt like it clicked into place.
They kissed for a while, slow and unhurried. Again, he was shocked at how easy it felt, how natural it was to fit under his arm, let Ben wrap himself around him for a bit, melt into him. They shifted into trading soft kisses for a while; Ben’s hand wandered around his back, and he felt himself getting braver and kissed under Ben’s jaw down to his neck while Ben nuzzled his way behind his ear. Though they explored, he could feel them both holding back a bit, conscious of pushing things too far. In the pause, Nick leaned on him, and Ben liked the familiar feel of him close.
‘Ben?’ he said quietly.
‘Hmm.’ Ben hummed.
‘I don’t know what I’m doing here. I never wanted to. I haven’t kissed many people- but I never got it. You know? Uh, I mean, I didn’t know I was attracted to you. Still, then I wanted to touch you, and I never want to touch people, and then I thought about kissing you, and I never really got kissing before; I mean, I tried, but I never really understood it, and I’ve never, well I’ve never done anything else, and we can talk about that I guess, and that might be a problem but…kissing you, I get it now. I mean, I get what books and stuff are saying?’ he glanced over. ‘Sorry. Sorry. Uh…’
He twisted and looked up at Ben, who looked at him with an unreadable expression for a second and shook his head slowly.
‘What?’ Nick frowned ‘did I…I mean, that was too much. I’m sorry.’
Ben shook his head.
‘That was, without a doubt, the most romantic thing anyone had ever said to me.’
‘It was stupid.’
‘You said it was like a book.’
Nick bit his lip, cheeks flushing.
‘Stay?’ he asked. ‘Not uh to do anything but stay?’
For a second, Ben almost reconsidered, wondering if it was too much too soon. But he also desperately did not want to leave, so he nodded.
Nick hadn’t thought this through. It was one thing to kiss Ben, but it was another to share a bed with him. They’d lay a polite distance in the dark until Ben fell asleep. Nick had laid there a while longer, feeling trapped, not daring to move. Until he moved, got up, and sat on the sofa, where he was now watching Ben sleep like a creep. His chest was tight, and he tried to settle himself and tell himself he hadn’t ruined this already. But he could feel himself spiralling.
Ben heard a soft noise from the bed. He stirred and reached for the glass of water he’d left on the bedside. He was trapped, frozen to the spot.
‘Nick?’ Ben mumbled.
‘Yeah.’ He answered softly, ‘Over here.’
Ben sat up, just a shape in the dark.
‘You ok?’
‘Yeah.’
‘Nick.’
He could see Ben’s face without seeing it—the face he used when Nick was stressing about something, and he was about to talk him through it. Ben flicked on the lamp. His hair was sticking up everywhere, but sure enough, he was wearing his ‘talk Nick down’ expression.
‘Make tea.’ He said.
‘What?’ Nick frowned.
‘Make tea.’ Ben repeated. ‘It’ll help. It always helps.’
Nick nodded. He did know him. He got up, boiled a kettle, and made tea for them both. While he did, Ben shuffled across the room to the sofa and installed himself there. Nick brought the mugs over and sat opposite Ben, folding his legs under him. He shuffled the blanket to cover them both. They sipped in silence for a bit.
‘I’ve never shared a bed with someone before.’ Nick said quietly, ‘Like never, never. I guess I freaked out a bit.’
Ben nodded.
‘A Nick freak out is very quiet. I’m lucky I know the signs, ‘ he teased. ‘I get that, ‘ he added softly.
‘Really?’ Nick asked. ‘It’s so stupid.’
‘Nicholas Baker, stop calling yourself stupid. Stop calling your feelings stupid,’ Ben scolded. He offered Nick a hand, which Nick took and squeezed. ‘Nick, I might have seen a few guy’s beds in my time, but I rarely stay the night.’ He took a breath. ‘Actually, just going to sleep with you? That was scary-intimate.’
Ben got it, maybe in a different way, but he understood. It had been the slow burn of realising something was changing last night, like coming home and starting again all at once. He leaned down, put his mug on the floor, and shifted slightly to look at Ben. Nick leaned in and kissed him softly.
‘We’ll figure it out.’ Ben said.
Ben put his mug down and shuffled a bit. Nick got what he was doing and shuffled down with him until they were lying together on the sofa. His heart pounded again, but Ben wrapped his arms around him, and he forced himself to breathe and concentrate on that.
They got up together and went to campus together like a typical day. They sat quietly in the library until Ben had to go to his supervisor meeting. While he was there, Nick slipped a note in Ben’s notebook.
Ben,
I’m leaving this on your books while I go to my meeting because if I don’t say some of this, I’ll be distracted and tell them Andrew Lloyd Webber is the greatest living composer, and I’ll get kicked out for being too stupid to do a PhD.
I’ve thrown away five drafts already. Don’t panic; it’s okay. But…I just needed you to know if I’m weird today, if I have been weird to you…it’s because there’s never been anyone before you. I know you do that, but I have to say it, ok?
I never wanted to kiss anyone before you.
I never liked kissing anyone before you.
I never kissed anyone and meant it before you.
I’ve never thought about kissing someone as much as I’ve thought about kissing you today.
I never wanted…this with anyone else. I’m not even sure what this is.
But (don’t be scared ok). You’re my best friend. I don’t want to mess this up.
N x
When Ben got back, Nick was off searching for a book. He read the note, smiled and scribbled his own. He watched Nick read it, smiled, too, and then got on with reading next to him.
Nick,
If you told them that, I’d never speak to you again.
Now I’ve had to go to my meeting and am really distracted. Ok, I was already distracted. I’m glad you wrote the note. Partly because I can’t stop thinking about last night; I can’t stop thinking about kissing you. Ok, those might be two separate thoughts, but they’re good ones.
You know it never felt right for me before, right? I messed up badly a few times and stopped trying. I’m kind of glad now.
You’re my best friend too. My best friend I want to kiss.
(When I get back, it will be very hard not to do that…maybe we can go for a walk later…)
Ben.
On their walk, they slipped behind the Geography building and kissed.
Then, later in their story, this moment….
Ben kissed his hair again and pulled him to his side. He continued rubbing his hand across Nick’s stomach.
‘What if I can never, you know…’ Nick murmured. His fears around sex weren’t unconnected to his illness. He guessed Ben had figured that out by now.
‘It all counts,’ Ben reminded him, kissing his neck, increasing the pressure of his hand moving back and forth. Nick made an appreciative noise, and Ben continued. Nick shifted so he was facing Ben, and they kissed some more. Then he rolled himself on top, kissing more passionately.
‘Can I touch you?’ Nick asked.
Ben kissed him passionately, ‘Yes, please.’ He said.
He’d missed it more than he realised, touching his boyfriend. But more than that, he’d missed their connection like this. He didn’t need the sex, but he needed this. He needed Nick with him. It seemed that Nick felt similar, soft, passionate, and connected. Nick’s eyes barely left his as he worked his hand down and started touching him. He didn’t break away when Ben did the same or when they rolled over to get more space. Nick was there and present with him. More than that, he was confident in a way that Ben hadn’t seen in bed. He took charge, always saying what he would do, and Ben responded enthusiastically, following Nick’s lead and articulating clearly what he wanted done and what he wanted to do. It ended breathless and passionate, and they flopped down together. Then he heard a soft sound: Nick crying.
Nick felt Ben bundle a blanket over them, his arms tight around him. He couldn’t explain why, but when he looked up, his eyes glassy and damp at Ben, he was met with soft brown eyes and a kiss.
‘I got you.’ Ben said.
It caused a wave of tears; Nick burrowed deeper into Ben’s chest, taking in the smell of him. And another wave hit him. It was just a lot, the emotion of being touched after all this time that way, of being close to Ben again. It felt so right, but also, it was a lot. Everything was spilling out of him all the time, it felt like. He cried softly into Ben, and when he looked up, he saw Ben was crying, too.
‘I missed this too.’ He said gently. ‘I missed you.’
That set Nick off again. But eventually, he stilled. He kissed Ben again and looked up at him for long seconds, not quite managing to start what was whirring in his head.
‘You ok? Feeling ok, I mean?’ Ben checked.
‘Yeah. Sorry, just…this, uh, sex it…well, I haven’t been sleeping, and I’ve been doing some more research and…well.’
‘Do you need the spreadsheet again?’ Ben asked with a smile.
‘Kinda?’ Nick said. ‘Can I use your laptop?’
Ben nodded, got up, and returned it, letting Nick settle and log into his online drive. He pulled up a document that was full of links and notes.
‘I sorta started researching some stuff…with the sex stuff. On, uh, Tumblr mainly- I know, super cringe- but uh, there’s a lot of stuff on Asexuality. It’s not as, I guess, black and white as I thought, but I guess I’m a bit ignorant.’
Ben scanned the list of bookmarked articles further and smiled, seeing some A03 tabs.
‘You read fanfic?’ he asked.
Nick bit his lip and shrugged. ‘I guess I kinda fell down a rabbit hole in the tags, but some of it actually…I could sorta see myself in people. Some of them have sex too just…it’s not a priority; love is.’
Ben broke into a soft smile. ‘Well, I think I like that.’ He scanned the list. ‘Do some of these maybe talk about people who try sex, like a lot? Then you know…figure it out.’
‘Yeah, there’s some. I could make you a list?’
‘That’d be good, yeah,’ Ben said, getting distracted by the description of a Sherlock fic. But he looked over at Nick. ‘I think we’ll figure it out, spreadsheet and all.’
‘Me too.’ Nick said.
Nick flopped back against the pillows. It was comforting that Ben thought a little like him, but it was also confusing. He felt Ben curl his fingers around his.
‘We got this Bear.’ Ben said softly.
‘We’ll figure it out, Penguin.’ Nick smiled back. ‘How about I bake a cake for your parents? Say, thank you for all this…’
****
I’d love your support in getting Ben and Nick out into the world, so if you love Ace stories, let me know or follow my creative writing blog here.
For more of Nick and Ben, here’s a stand-alone story of theirs, too, about going home again.
I love this. Sorry about the rejections. And the totally inappropriate comments from that agent. 🤨 good luck with the next bit of the journey