I recently spoke with a fellow writer, someone also in their 40s, about how we’re just…tired of living like this. I honestly don’t feel like I’m asking for too much.
When I look at how other folks my age live their lives, it’s not just the ones able to afford fancy holidays, nice cars, or whatever the ‘big ticket’ items might be. It’s not that I look to influencers and think I should be living that life. Actually, we know both lives are funded in a big way by credit cards anyway…I just want to be able not to worry so much. I want to….feel like I can stop living my life like I’m a student or in my early 20s.
Because to be real, if I didn’t have a family home to live in (where I pay my way, I might add) because I’m single, I’d have to live in a house share like I was still 22. And I am tired of that being my reality. And I’m tired of working so hard for what feels like nothing…or being stuck in the hamster wheel of ‘ok for a bit’, but then a job ends, and it’s panic again. But above all, I’m also tired of this making me feel like I’m not good enough like I’m left behind, like I’ll never be even just…ok. I’m tired of the effort it takes just to maintain this.
And I know it could be worse, let me preface this by saying I know folks are struggling in real poverty now because of our terrible government and global crisis and all of that is very true, very wrong and we need to be doing all we can to change that.
But in the spirit of ‘both things can be true,’ we also need to look at the sectors that keep folks like me and my friend stuck in cycles of ‘just getting by’ that keep so many people out of these careers entirely. Or push us all into an endless cycle of ‘do okay, fall back down’ and never get to feel financial or career stability.
So yes, I have food and clothes and get to do leisure things; I also live super modestly because I always have. My clothes come from cheap places (I debate ‘fash fashion’ for those of us who live on a budget because I wear these clothes to the ground even if they are inexpensive). I don’t go out drinking; if I’m out and folks are drinking, I rarely do because I can’t justify that £6-15 on a drink, or at least I’d rather put it towards something else. I don’t get takeaways aside from for Christmas and Birthdays- people find that hard to believe, but it’s never been part of my life because we never had that money ‘spare’. I go out for lunch to catch up with friends a couple of times a month, and that’s probably my biggest ‘going out’ indulgence.’ I have one holiday a year, usually, and that’s admittedly usually a ‘big’ one- at the moment, it’s usually Canada- but I also do that ‘cheap’ in the sense it’s economy, it’s buying groceries to eat while there and taking public transport and discount codes…it’s still an indulgence, but it’s always on a budget. Days out trips away are limited. I get by on limited funds because I’m used to it and prioritise. So yes, I buy hockey tickets and skating lessons because that’s important. I don’t eat or drink out, and I don’t buy clothes. I don’t need to make that happen. And still and still, I worry about money.
And actually, it’s not the ‘little things’ for sure; we can find some money for a hockey ticket, even a meal out. Finding £20, £50, or even £100 isn’t usually a stretch (for which, again, I’m lucky). But it's the worry of a big thing going wrong. If the car breaks down, will there be money to fix it? How can we afford a car to replace it if it's not fixable? The house is damp, and that needs sorting, and I’m too scared to find out how much it is because I know…we cannot afford it. People think my mum is always bankrolling me somehow; it’s a shared agreement; she couldn’t afford to live alone any more than I could. Both my parents spent their lives on minimum wage, and my dad died when I was 20, leaving us with…not much. Unlike others who lose a parent and gain an inheritance, we just got…20 years of one income instead of two. The thing was, too…it was supposed to get better with my generation; I was supposed to be able to help out…and the guilt over that is frankly drowning me.
I’m supposed to be at a point where I’m helping, where I could support my mum. And to a degree, I can…but I cannot fix the house or the car or make sure there’s enough money for care or support if Mum needs it. The only child guilt there is immense, not to mention not even being able to fully support myself either. The crushing pressure of all of it is overwhelming some days. I have friends my age who think that one day they’ll inherit a house, some money, whatever. I’m here worrying how I’m going to take care of Mum, and what happens if I can’t financially, what happens if I lose the house we both rely on if I lose the house after she’s no longer here…I feel worlds apart from the world in which most people my age that way because we forget that those who didn’t grow up with a financial cushion also inherit the lack of that…and the responsibility for parents that goes with it. And I don’t resent it; I owe my mum everything I can give her to support her. But I am jealous of those who get to reap the financial rewards of parents rather than have to support them. Mum said to me a few weeks ago, ‘I’ve always survived’, and yes, we both have, but I don’t want just to survive any more. And I know we’re luckier than many; we have a home and enough to get by. And I’ve always found some kind of work, and I will again, even if it’s temporary, badly paid. I will survive because she’s right. We always have, and I always will. But I’m tired of surviving.
I’m tired of working so hard for so little, too. I’ve done my ‘day job’ for the past two years, four days a week. On top of that, I’ve done my books and creative work, which takes hours and energy, but fair enough, that’s my choice, so we won’t include that in the ‘work’. But I will include the hours of teaching and other freelance work I’ve done to improve my job and give me enough income to be doing okay for now. And like a hamster in a wheel, I feel like it’s still all for nothing to get nowhere.
It’s not just ‘surviving’ in terms of money. It’s not just exhaustion in terms of money, either. It’s the very literal exhaustion of trying to get by, get ahead, and try to make it so it’s not just survival. I got asked to break down my working hours recently for something, and while I always said I don’t want a job that makes me work ridiculous hours, in a life where to fund the ‘career’ I want, I need another full-time job…I am. And so, for as long as I can remember now, I’ve worked every evening for at least 2 hours until 9 pm; it’s been that way since my PhD to get it all done, whether that’s going to a job or doing the work for a job, or my writing, or reviews or…the list goes on. Then there are weekends, at least 4 hours a day each weekend day, often more. Again, some of this is writing, and it is what it is to get the books done…but it doesn’t mean it isn’t work, it doesn’t mean I’m not…tired. And again, it’s not all about money, and I’m proud of what I’ve done…but for someone who puts so much work in, shouldn’t it be easier by now? Shouldn’t life feel more sustainable by now? Shouldn’t I be able to pay my bills by now? I’m tired of the judgement that comes with it, too, particularly from fellow academics who did manage to ‘make it’. Or from those who got lucky in a career and are doing fine.
The words of a former friend’s husband always echo in my ears when I say stuff like this. He said I ‘play the victim’, and while I can’t unhear it, I need to defend it too. Speaking out on our terrible experiences isn’t ‘playing the victim’. I take ownership of all my shitty decisions (of which there have been many). But also, I cannot be blamed for the economy tanking, the lies we were sold about university education…the fucking Tories and more. And like many people in my position, the ones who didn’t get lucky in jobs and life or, yes too, who made bad choices on the way…we’re entitled to say we’re simply tired—exhausted.
There’s also another clue in that reference: someone’s husband. The couple and family money elements (even in a modest middle-class way) all play into this scenario. While there are family expenses and individual circumstances, if you are a two-income household, the financial cushion is there if one of you loses a job. The ability to share household expenses means a better financial position, particularly in a two-salary household (that’s maths I can do). Or if you started from a position of family money, with university paid for, or a start in life in terms of somewhere to live or money while you took low-paid jobs…it all filters through. And no, life isn’t fair, and there’s no point moaning, but there are people who have the…ability to fail better. To fail more often with less impact. And that’s not to take anything away from the work those people put in; it’s just easier to fail when there’s a safety net. And that safety net is often financial. I worked with a coach this year who wanted me to go all in on working for myself, in doing this in doing that, and it all seems so good in theory…but if you’ve got no money behind you, no substantial back up…that gamble is one you can’t reasonably take. Those of us without that have to take jobs that don’t further their careers and just get by. We are less strategic because we can’t help but just…survive. And just surviving is tiring.
I’m tired, too, of being thought of as not enough. I was treated like an inexperienced 22-year-old when I was almost 40 years old with a lot of experience. When friends send me entry-level jobs, they say that they don’t think much about what I’ve done. Or do they think that it’s all I’m capable of because my wage level must reflect my ability, or that I bounce around jobs means I’m not very good? I don’t know what they think, but it hurts, and it's exhausting to never be thought of as enough. I’m tired of being told to ‘pay my dues’ at 40. I’m tired of being thought of as ‘entry’ level at 40. When I completed a PhD nine years ago, and others are professors by now, or climbing the ladder in wherever they went to, and I just never managed to get off the ground enough….and I just don’t know why. It’s not through lack of hard work and trying. And it hurts. It really does, and it hasn’t happened, but people just don’t think I’m good enough to deserve it. I’m tired of not being good enough.
I’m just tired overall. I don’t know how much more fight I have in me for any of it. How long can you continue? But what else can you do? I feel like I’ve hit a wall, and I’ve got nothing left to give. But what choice do you have but to keep on going? At what cost? At what point can you stop? At what point is it giving up? But what do you do if you do?
None of this I have answers for. I know I need something to change; I know I need not to feel like I’m just surviving, scraping by for a second. I don’t think it’s too much to ask for, either. And don’t get me wrong, I’ve done great things and made loads of progress on my ‘real’ career. I put in the work and mostly see the rewards in writing and all the things that come with that. But it comes at a cost. The cost of not doing anything but the work. The cost of friends, family (ok, my mum, I don’t have anyone else), hobbies, free time…whatever else. I don’t mind because I love what I do there, but there is only so long you can push yourself for, and I fear I’m at that point.
I know that in a few weeks, months, whatever, it might all feel different. Heck, this might even be the time it actually works out for once. But right now? Right now, I’m tired. So tired.
Oof. Yeah, me too. While I am married, my wife doesn't work outside the house, so we're just on my income. Even if I had a relationship with my parents, I'd more likely be left with debt than an inheritance. I'm still paying for my own college degrees (since I wasn't able to manage going until I was a "mature student"), and I have no idea how we will pay for our kids to attend college. I'm trapped in a very good-paying job, but it's never enough, and there aren't enough hours in the day to work a second job and still stay awake, notwithstanding some disability stuff I am coming to terms with. It's all... exhausting.
I wish I could give you oomph. I feel your exhaustion 🫂🫂